The Yllescas Family

Thank you

2011-07-06T22:02:00.003-04:00

Originally when I started this blog, it was to update close family and friends on Rob's condition after I found out about his injuries. Then I thought it would be a wonderful tool for Rob to one day read and follow his progress from the initial injury and on to the road to recovery. Unfortunately, when I knew that was not going to happen, I continued to update the blog so that one day, our girls would be able to read about what a fighter their daddy was and all the thousands of people who prayed for him and, then later, for us as we began our new life without him. For the past 2 1/2 years, I have found comfort, strength, encouragement and even friends through my rollercoaster journey of life. When days were rough, I would come back to this blog and read comments and find comfort in their words. I cannot adequately thank you for your past and continued support. As I read past posts that I had written, I have a hard time even remembering those days. I know, without a doubt, there were times I was not just surviving day to day, but literally minute to minute. There is not a doubt in my mind that it was all the love, support, thoughts and prayers from family, friends, and perfect strangers that held me together. From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU. As we fast forward 2 1/2 years, the girls and I have had our fair share of ups and downs, laughter and tears. At times, this mountain we call life, seemed almost impossible to climb. But, through the continued love and support and our faith in God, we slowly made our way up. Through this journey, my faith in God has become even stronger. A bible verse that would always come to me is Philippians 4:13-"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." What I've come to realize through this whole process is the path I thought I was meant to go down was not the path God had planned for me. Although I miss Rob dearly and crave him being with us, I know that God needed him more than we did here on Earth and that He has a whole new and different life in store for the girls and me. Over the past few months, I have seen God's hands working in our lives, turning sadness into happiness, emptiness into fullness. God has placed a wonderful man in our lives. He has brought back the love and happiness I never thought I'd have again. He loves the girls as if they were his own and they adore him. I am blessed to have found amazing love twice in my life. One of them is our guardian angel who is looking over us, guiding and protecting us and the other is a man who walking beside us, holding our hands, in this new and different journey of life. So, with a new chapter of our lives beginning, I am going to end this blog and focus on our new life. Rob is forever in our hearts and mind and I know, without a doubt, smiling down upon us. I will always see Rob in our girls and we will laugh, and at times, cry, at all the memories we share of him. The girls will know just how loved he was by family, friends, and strangers from reading this blog and all the comments left for him. Again, thank you for your endless love and support. We love you.

Mission complete

2011-05-03T20:19:00.003-04:00

The death of Usama Bin Laden was definitely an emotional day for me. I finally felt like I had some closure. This horrible man who was the mastermind of the murders of so many innocent people on 9/11 and the military men and women who lost their lives fighting this war on terrorism has finally had his day of judgement. Before he left for Afghanistan, Rob looked at me and said “We will hunt Bin Laden, we will find him and we WILL bring him to justice”. Through bravery, determination, and endless perserverance, our US soldiers did hunt him, did find him, and DID bring him to justice. I’m sure most parents had a hard time explaining UBL’s death to their children. This was not the case in our house. We had a magnet on our fridge at one time that had a photo of UBL stating “Wanted dead or Alive” with a monetary award listed on it. Eva used to ask who this man was. I told her it was a very bad man. She asked “The bad man who killed daddy?” Well, in all actuality, yes. So, every time she would walk by the fridge she would say “This is the bad man who killed daddy. He’s not nice.” So, I decided to take down that magnet. But the morning after the news broke of UBL’s death, this is the conversation I had with Julia: “Julia, do you remember that magnet we had on the fridge of the bad man?” “Yes.” “Well, the soldiers finally found him and now he is no longer on this Earth or able to hurt anyone ever again.” “I’m sure daddy and God helped with that.” Again, she never ceases to amaze me with her insight and wisdom. ☺ Although UBL is gone, I’m still very nervous about the aftermath effects of this. This is far from over. I continue to pray that every service man and woman fighting this war makes it home to their families safe and sound. I am so proud of each and every one of them. So, Rob, you can stop rolling in your grave now. Justice has been served. Your mission is complete. I love you.

Poor Eva... :(

2011-04-11T20:29:00.003-04:00

We’ve had quite the eventful past few days! Last week, poor Eva broke her leg. ☹ We were at the park and I went down the slide with her and halfway down, she started saying “Ow!”. She never cried she just kept saying that her leg hurt. I didn’t think it was broken because it was not bruised or swollen. I watched her over night and by the morning when she still couldn’t put any weight on it, I took her to the doctor. Sure enough she had broken her tibia (shin bone)! I felt so bad. She is one tough cookie, that’s for sure. She got a pretty pink cast on and is quite proud of it. However, she can’t figure out why everyone wants to sign it. ☺ It’s amazing to me how she can figure out how to get around in it. It sure hasn’t slowed her down at all! Thankfully she will only be in her cast 3-4 weeks. Unfortunately, the girls are in the middle of swim lessons. Eva is sad that she can’t continue but I promised her once her cast comes off, we’ll get her signed up again. Julia is doing great. She’s staying busy with school and cannot wait until this summer when we can get out on our boat again. The Yllescas girls are definitely water babies and we could spend the whole summer on the lake!! A reporter from the Lincoln Journal Star did a follow up interview with me last week and it was in the paper today. It was a pretty good article although I have yet to see one that is completely accurate. It says he also lost an arm, which isn’t true, but besides that, it wasn’t bad. Here is the link: http://journalstar.com/special-section/epilogue/article_9d59c5ef-bb1e-53c7-98f9-0c52d1acff25.html
I know I haven’t been writing much on here lately but there really isn’t a whole lot to report. The girls and I are staying busy but it’s usually nothing exciting enough to report. ☺ I still continue to feel so blessed with the continued love and support the girls and I are receiving. Thank you all so much for keeping us in your prayers. There’s not a day go by that we don’t think of and miss Rob but we know he’s always with us and smiling down upon us. Life must go on for us and that is exactly what he would want.

Long time no post!

2011-01-28T19:45:00.004-05:00

It's been quite a while since the last time I've written on here. The girls and I have been really busy. The 2nd week in December, Julia and I left for the Snowball Express once again. This year it was in Texas again but we got to leave out of Kansas City. They had a chartered plane for us that only Snowball Families were on. It was so much fun. The pilots and flight attendants all volunteered their time to do these flights. It was pretty much a party on a plane-complete with a silly string fight! While there, we went to the Mesquite Rodeo again and saw Gary Sinese and the Lt Dan Band perform, Southfork Ranch where the TV show Dallas was filmed, a performance of the Nutcracker Ballet, Six Flags amusement park and entertainment from a magician and so much more! We had so much fun. The patriot guard riders were there escorting us on their motorcycles everywhere we went. Dallas once again shut down the interstate for us so we wouldn't have to wait in traffic and the police officers who helped with this were also volunteering their time. This is such an amazing organization. There were so many families there and everyone was smiling. If you get the chance, please go to their website and check it out: www.snowballexpress.org Next year it is in Dallas for the last time and Julia and I can't wait to go again! For Christmas, we spent time at my parents house with my family and then we spent a few days at Rob's mom's house. Then Julia and I left for Maryland for a few days to visit some good friends of ours. I thought it would be nice to have some one on one time with Julia while Eva stayed back with Rob's mom. We were in Maryland over the New Year's and came back to Nebraska on the 3rd. The Nebraska winter hasn't been as bad as it was last year, but everytime it snows and I have to pull out the snowblower and shovel, I can't help but think "Man, I sure wish Rob was the one doing this!" :) The winter is definitely not for me. The girls and I are really looking forward to the summer when we can get the boat out again! However, Eva got to experience her first time with "sliding" as she calls it. After finally getting her to get on the sled and go down the hill, she was not impressed with the snow that landed on her face and that was pretty much the end of "sliding" for her. :) But, Julia still had a lot of fun taking several rounds on the hill. The girls also built a snowman in our backyard and had fun decorating him. I started attending a bible study on Wednesday nights at the church we attend while the girls do Awana. It's always an ordeal to get them there (they like to make me feel guilty by crying or saying they don't want to go) but when I pick them up, they loved it and had lots of fun! :) It's funny how kids do that to you! Julia is still doing gymnastics and Eva finally get the chance to try it out on Tuesday when she turns 3. We'll see if she will listen to the teacher and follow the directions. You never quite know where the wind where blow her! It's so hard to believe that my baby will turn 3 on Tuesday! The time has gone by so fast. I'm thinking the 3's are going to be tougher than the 2's--that child keeps me running!!! She is really in love with the movie Toy Story 3 and we have literally watched it hundreds of times. If we're not watching that, we're watching Beezus and Ramona. I love to hear her ask for that movie. When she says it, it sounds like "Jesus and Pneumonia". :) I have no doubt that Rob has had several chuckles up in heaven watching that little Eva. The other day she said to me: "Did I have a mommy and daddy when I was a baby?" I said yes you did. She says "But now my daddy is in the sky." Then she looks up and blows a kiss and says "I love you daddy....but I love Jesus more." Oh, the things they say. So awesome! :) Julia is doing really well in school and loves to write. They had to do a whale report in school and she whipped that out in no time and did an amazing job on it. Thank goodness the assignment was in writing because if it was in math, we'd both be in trouble! I swear 3rd grade math is a lot harder than when I took it! :) When I get the pictures downloaded from my camera, I will try to remember to post them on here from when they went "sliding" and built a snowman. Here are a few pictures from Christmas. Hopefully it won't take me as long to post next time! :)

Two Years Have Past

2010-12-01T19:21:00.002-05:00

It's hard to believe 2 years have past since Rob was taken Home. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of him. I see him everyday in our girls. Eva is a spitting image of him--looks and mannerisms! Julia has a certain stand and chunky cheeks that are all Rob. When Rob was in the hospital, that time for me was such a haze. Even though it's been 2 years, at times it feels like a lifetime ago. The girls and I have continued to chug forward-some days harder than others. But through all of this, we continue to see God's blessings through the love and support of our family, friends, and strangers. God has placed people in our lives since then who have forever changed us. Instead of focusing on Rob's passing, we focus on his life and what he gave us. Rob touched so many people. He was an open Christian, a wonderful husband, amazing father, a loyal friend,passionate soldier, and caring leader---just to name a few. I know I am a better person for knowing him. Tonight the girls and I ordered pizza, put on our pj's, and watched Christmas Vacation. We used to watch that movie with Rob. Nothing better than some good food and a few laughs to celebrate Rob's memory. I want to end with a "letter" I received when I was presented the Gold Star Flag. I think it sums things up pretty well:

Letter from Heaven

My Dearest Family,
There are some things I’d like to say, but first of all, I want to let you know that I have arrived OK. I’m writing this from heaven where I dwell with God above, where there are no more tears or sadness, there is just eternal love.
Please do not be unhappy just because I am out of sight. Remember that I’m with you every morning, noon, and night. The day I had to leave you, when my life on earth was through, God picked me up and hugged me and He said, “I welcome you. It’s good to have you back again; you were missed while you were gone. As for your dearest family, they’ll be here later on. I need you here so badly, as part of My big plan. There is so much we have to do to help our mortal man.”
Then God gave me a list of things he wished for me to do. Foremost on that list of mine was to watch and care for you. I will always be beside you every day and week and year. And when you’re sad, I’m standing there to wipe away your tears. When you lie in bed at night, the days chores put to flight, God and I are closest to you in the middle of the night.
When you think of my life on earth and all those years, because you are only human they are bound to bring you tears. Do not be afraid to cry, it does relieve the pain. Remember there would be no flowers unless there was some rain.
I wish that I could tell you of all that God has planned. But if I were to tell you, you wouldn’t understand. One thing is for certain, though my life in earth is over, I am closer to you now that I ever was before.
There are rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb, but together we can do it taking one day at a time. When you are walking down the street and I am on your mind, I’m walking in your footsteps, only half a step behind. When you feel that gentle breeze as the wind up on your face, that’s me giving you a great big hug, or just a soft embrace.
When it’s time for you to go, from that body to be free, remember you’re not going, you are coming here to me. I will always love you, from this land way up above. I’ll be in touch again soon.
Your loved one.

PS God sends His love.
–author unknown

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T23:44:00.002-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and were able to give thanks for the many blessings in your lives. I am thankful for the time I had with Rob. Although it was cut extremely short, I am so blessed to have had him in my life. He taught me so much about life and I am truly a better, stronger person because of him. I am thankful for our 2 beautiful girls. They have a way of making me smile! :) They are a constant reminder of Rob and I know he's looking down and smiling (and I'm sure chuckling some days...especially when they're giving me a run for my money!). I'm thankful for my family for their unending love and support. They have gone above and beyond for us--literally at times dropping everything to help us out. We are so blessed to have such a loving family. I don't know what I'd do without them! I'm thankful for my amazing friends. They continue to reach out to us. Not just on the "hard days" but even on the "everyday" days. There are times when it just feels like groundhog's day and it means so much to get a phone call or email just to see how we're doing. I'm thankful for the perfect strangers who continue to pray for us and show their support and concern. They are a constant reminder that Rob is not and will not ever be forgotten. And most importantly, I am thankful for God. Even through tragedy and pain, He continues to show his presence and love in our lives.

2 years already....

2010-10-29T12:05:00.000-04:00

It’s hard to believe that it’s been 2 years since I received that horrible, life-changing news. 2 years ago, my husband fought for 34 days for his life. And, boy, did he put up a fight. 2 years ago was the beginning of an emotional rollercoaster ride that still continues today. Although the 2nd year has been harder for me than the first, I continue to hold on to faith and know God has a bigger plan for us. He had a bigger plan for Rob. There is not a day go by that we don’t miss him and think of him. His presence constantly surrounds us. My dad was with Julia when she looked up in the sky and written in the clouds was “I love you”. That was daddy sending his little girl a special note. Yesterday I flew back to Lincoln from Washington DC where I attended a Survivors’ Outreach Summit. This is an Army program that is still fairly new to help survivors stay connected to the military and help us with issues we may have. Throughout this week, I learned so much more about the SOS program and met some amazing people who have left imprints on my heart. There is a special bond between survivors and it was amazing and therapeutic to share stories. There is still a lot that can be done to improve how the military deals with the survivors, and we were here this week to work together and try to get certain things changed, but I have no doubt that Army does appreciate our sacrifice and do care about us. Thank you to everyone for your continued thoughts and prayers for us even 2 years later. They lift us up and help us continue to move forward, one step at a time.

We will never forget...

2010-09-11T10:10:00.002-04:00

Nine years ago today, I was holding our 12 day old baby girl and my mom was at my house (it was my parents' 30 year anniversary). Rob had officially became active duty the day before. The phone rang. It was Rob. "Are you watching tv?" "No," I said. He told me to turn it on. Every tv station was showing the horrible events that were unfolding. "I think we're under attack, Dena". Like so many that day, my world changed. I just wouldn't know how drastic until 7 years later. 19 months after the 9/11 attack, he left for his first tour in Iraq. A year later, he returned, only to go back to Iraq 9 months later. A few days before Rob left for Afghanistan, he looked at me and said "You know, people can argue over whether or not we should've went to war against Iraq but no one can argue our war with Afghanistan. Bin Laden is the reason for 9/11. We will hunt him down and we will find him." Nobody wants war. War is not pretty. But terrorists who want to take over OUR country do not care if they kill innocent people. In order to defend our country and to defend our citizens, we must find those who so cruely violated us and are trying to take away our freedom. "Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the blood stream. Its must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same."-Ronald Reagan. So, today I am remembering those who lost their lives on that terrible day September 11, 2001 and the service men and women who continue to fight so that we will never again have another terrorist attack on our land. God bless America and God bless our troops. Freedom isn't free.

2010-08-31T20:26:00.001-04:00

Happy 9^th birthday to my sweet Julia!! We celebrated by having a Luau-themed birthday party at our house complete with grass skirts, lei’s, Hawaiian music, and our inflatable swimming pool/slide. It was a fun time and I think everyone truly enjoyed themselves. Then yesterday, we made a spur of the moment trip to Osceola. Every year on our birthday, we put a “Birthday Girl” figurine on Rob’s grave. Julia wanted to do this yesterday since we couldn’t make it out today. On the way to the cemetery, she said “I really wish Daddy could’ve made it to my birthday party but I guess a lot of kids can’t say their dads are everywhere they are no matter where they’re at….so, I guess it’s ok.” What a wise young lady. My heart breaks for her because I know she misses her dad so much, but yet she continues to be so strong. Rob would be so proud. I know I am. The start of the school year has also approached. Julia started the 3^rd grade. I can’t believe that! So far, she’s really enjoying it and on the 2 spelling tests she’s had, she’s received a 105%! I’ve decided that 3^rd grade math is definitely harder these days than when I took it. It’s pretty sad when I’m having trouble trying to help her with her homework! But, thanks to my sister in law, I think we’re getting the hang of it! :) Eva’s also blooming in her independence. She loves makeup. I caught her the other day in her sister’s room playing with Julia’s makeup. She had mascara on her forehead, lipstick all over her mouth, and finger nail polish on her feet. She thought she looked so beautiful! I couldn’t help but smile because with all that, she never got anything on the carpet! She was “so careful”. The other night, my parents arrived late to my house for the weekend. The girls were already asleep. In the morning when Eva woke up, I told her grandpa and grandma were in the toyroom sleeping. She walked down there, threw open the door and said “Haha! I woke you up and that’s just what I wanted to do!” Where does this girl come from? Oh, I wish Rob was here to see her. She is so much like him that it would be fun to see how the 2 of them would interact. On another note, I finally got my house sold in Texas! There is a program called Homeowner’s Assistance Program. It was opened up to Surviving Spouses and Wounded Warriors. The US Government will buy your house if you are unable to sell it. It’s a great program and I’m so grateful for it, but at times, it was frustrating because for 18 months, I was unable to rent my house out because at any time, the government could purchase it. But, it’s finally over with. Another chapter in my life closed. It makes me sad because it was a beautiful house Rob and I had built and we really loved it, but it made no sense to keep it. I knew I would never live there again so it’s better to go to another family who will enjoy it as much as we did.

Disneyland

2010-08-03T16:01:00.001-04:00

I’m not sure where the summer went, but I know for the Yllescas girls it has FLOWN by! Although Julia said she’s “bored” and ready for school to start, we actually did quite a bit this summer! We finally got our boat back out in the water. As much work as a boat is to have, it’s all worth it when we get out in the water. We sure missed the fun we’ve had on the boat. I wasn’t sure how Eva would be on the boat since the last time she was on it, she was only 4 months old. But, she is so calm and relaxed on it! I couldn’t believe it! She sits there and watches as we tube and will get out and play in the sand with all her water toys. This summer, Julia really has gotten brave and is tubing by herself. Before, she was unsure and wanted us to go slow but this past weekend when we went out, she was by herself and kept telling us to go faster! J I haven’t been able to get my wakeboard out this year yet because I’m trying to refamiliarize myself with the boat, but hopefully next year, I’ll get up and “running” again. Exciting news is that Julia finally lost her first tooth a few weeks ago! She is almost 9 so it was quite exciting! I guess this is what happens when you don’t get a tooth until you’re almost 15 months old! Then today, she lost another one! If she’s not careful, she’ll have to eat baby food! Lol We’ve also been busy building a deck in my backyard. It’s almost finished and we absolutely LOVE it! We spend a lot of time outside and this is a great addition for us. One of our biggest perks this summer was we were able to go to Disneyland a couple of weeks ago. This was courtesy of a group called Brat Pack 11. They made all the arrangements and paid for our trip. I was able to have my mom come along and help me with the girls. All of us had an absolutely AMAZING time!!! So, thank you again Brat Pack 11!! Now we’re just trying to scurry around and finish 4-H projects. The fair starts this upcoming weekend and hopefully all the projects will be ready to go. Julia is showing her dog in the fair. This has definitely been a learning experience for both her and D’ogie! Regardless of the outcome, at least D’ogie will have learned some commands and Julia will have learned that it takes a lot of persistant work to train a dog!! J I hope you all have had a great summer. Hopefully it won’t be 3 months before I update again!!! J

2010-05-07T12:07:00.004-04:00

Once again, I apologize for my lack of writing! I swear things never seem to slow down, they only pick up speed! I hope you all had a wonderful Easter. We went to my parents and had a great time with family. The girls loved the Easter egg hunt grandpa and grandma do every year. I just got back from Ohio. I actually took 2 trips there. The first was to help one of my very good friends, Karen and Craig Bender, with the birth of their baby boy, Jacob Robert. I was honored to be a part of the first few hours of his life. He is absolutely beautiful. Congratulations Karen, Craig, big sister Logan, and big brother Zach!! The second trip, I went with my mom and met up with Karen and some other dear friends to attend the Women of Faith Seminar. I've been to one in the past and it is AWESOME. It really leaves you with a rejuvenated heart and spirit. While we were gone, my dad watched the girls for me and he just about got Eva potty trained!! I couldn't believe it. I'm rather impressed by that. But, I knew she was ready since she'd always try to get her diaper off and she'd go on the big girl potty every once in awhile, but I don't think I was the one who was quite ready! I can't believe she's growing up so fast. She no longer has her crib either. She now has a daybed. Where the heck did the time go? Julia's anxious for school to be out. She only has a couple more weeks. Speaking of growing up too fast, I can't believe she's going to be in the 3rd grade next year. WOW. She had her dance recital a few weekends ago. She did so well. I realized that she no longer dances to the "little girl" songs. She now dances to big girl music with big girl moves. Again, another sign she's growing up! The weekend before I left for Ohio, the girls and I went to Ft Riley for a Ceremony of Remembrance. This was absolutely wonderful. The girls were recognized with a medal and beautiful keepsake box. They were so big when their names were called out and they walked to the front of the room. Even Eva did this quite well (minus one squeaky shoe!). Afterwards, the Lt Dan Band was there. Julia got a chance to ger her picture taken with him. The whole ceremony was beautiful. The girls absolutely deserve to have something like this and I know it made them feel special. I truly appreciate all the effort Ft Riley did to put on such a great ceremony. Happy Mother's Day to all the mother's out there. I'm truly blessed to have such an amazing mom. I really don't know what I'd do without her. I love you, mom!!!

It's been awhile....

2010-03-27T09:07:00.002-04:00

Sorry it's been awhile since I last wrote! The girls and I have been staying busy and it's hard to believe it's almost April! I started a small house project a few weeks ago that turned into a bigger one. The wood color that was on my stair banisters and fireplace mantel, I did not like. I've never liked it. But, I thought it would be a lot of work to sand them down and restain them. But, I can honestly say it was the easiest home project I have ever done!!! And they look great. But of course, I couldn't stop there! My kitchen cabinets were a very light color-almost like they weren't stained at all. So, they got sanded down and restained too. That was a lot more time consuming!! I couldn't have done it without the help of some awesome people! :) But they look amazing and I think I'm burned out on projects for awhile. However, my kitchen sink could be replaced to go better with my new cabinet color..... lol

Julia had a field trip to the zoo last week. It was the perfect day to go. The day before and the day after were cold, windy, and even a little snowy. Eva really enjoyed it this year. She got a kick out of the monkeys.

Eva finally figured out how to climb out of her crib. I was hoping this day would never come, but of course, it did! She has her dad's stubborn personality. I knew trying to get her to stay in her bed was going to be, um, fun. The first night was terrible. She was up from 11-1:15 in the morning. But I was just as determined!! The next night, she only woke up a few times and put her self back to sleep and last night she slept all night without waking!! :) Naps are a lot more difficult. Hopefully that will come in time too.

We're all getting excited to get the boat out this summer. We have not been on it since before Rob deployed. Last summer I just couldn't do it. Boating was such an important thing to us as a family. I have so many memories of us with the boat. Those were some of the best times. But I also know that I need to get out and use it. Make some more memories. Rob would want that. It's a beautiful boat and it's a shame that it's not being used. Julia LOVES the boat and is excited to go back out. The last time Eva was on it was when she was 4 months old. I'm hoping she still likes it! :) I'm sure she won't know what to think at first but after a bit, will be quite at home on it!!

Happy 2nd Birthday Eva Grace!!!

2010-02-01T19:08:00.003-05:00

Happy birthday Eva Grace! I cannot believe my little girl is 2. Time surely does fly. I remember like yesterday the moment I saw her for the very first time. Rob brought her over to me and it was so surreal to finally have her here. She is so much fun. She’s talking up a storm and it cracks me up with the things she says. She’s definitely growing into her own personality. It’s also hard to believe that another year has started. 2009 seemed to go by so fast. I had a good time at a friend’s annual New Year’s Eve party. This year it was a 70’s theme and the costumes were hilarious! January 24th we added a new member to our family. My brother, Aaron, and his wife, Shelly, welcomed a baby boy Cole Robert. He is an absolute doll and his big sister, Megan, is very proud! :) Of course my girls couldn't wait to see him and Eva wanted to hold him all the time. She's such a good helper! :) The end of December a reporter from The Washington Post flew up and wrote an article about me and this blog. I didn’t expect for the story to be so huge. Before I knew it, the story was in different newspapers all over the country! It was even in the Stars and Stripes newspaper which is a military paper. A classmate from highschool is in Iraq and saw it on the front page. He mailed home at least 20 copies for me to hand out to family and friends. J I also have been contacted by the BBC in London and have done 3 live TV interviews with them over the phone and other news stations around the country. I’m not quite sure how this blog became so huge. However, I do know that it makes me extremely proud to have as many followers as I do. Although there are some “anti-war/soldier/Americans” still in America, this proves to me how many Americans (and even those in different countries) truly love America and support our troops. I have no doubt that Rob lost his life for a good cause (and he also believed in the cause) but also knowing how many Americans truly support our troops, helps make this more bearable. And the support I have received from this blog over the past 16 months since Rob’s injury and subsequent death, has kept me moving forward. The support has been phenomenal. God has blessed me over and over. I truly pray that my blog has reached someone in a similar situation and has helped them. In the beginning, my intentions for the blog were to show Rob how much he improved and to share this story with our girls someday. But now, seeing how many people are interested in my story, I hope to bring comfort and hope to others.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-28T11:35:00.003-05:00

Merry Christmas from the Yllescas girls! I hope you were able to enjoy the holidays with your loved ones. We received a LOT of snow! I got snowed-in in Iowa but it was with great company and we had fun playing games and making forts in the snow. :) I finally made it to my parents yesterday where the girls opened their Santa gifts and next weekend we will have our family Christmas with them since it had to be post-poned. Christmas was less of a blur and a little easier than last year, but we still miss Rob terribly and wish he was here with us. I can't believe how fast the month of December has gone by. The 2nd week of December, Julia and I were invited on the Snowball Express. This is an organization for children who have lost a parent in the war since 9/11. It is an all-expensive paid trip and this year it was in Dallas. The whole experience was so amazing. When we got off the airplane in Dallas, people were clapping for us and waving flags. The whole weekend consisted of so many different activities including the Southfork Ranch, Mesquite Rodeo, Dallas Convention Center, and the Dallas Cowboy Stadium. There were about 1500 of us. Julia and I had a blast and I know it helped her see that there are other children in the same situation as her. The most amazing thing to me during the trip was how the Patriot Guard Riders escorted us everywhere. On 2 different days, the main interstate was closed down just for us as we had a motorcycle police escort followed by the Patriot Guard Riders to our destinations. It was quite a site: 24 buses carrying 56 people, 20 or more motorcycle police, and at least 60 Patriot Guard Riders going down the interstate. I'm sure people were wondering who the heck we were! :) Please have a safe New Years and I will write again next year...

It's been a year

2009-12-01T19:10:00.002-05:00

A year has passed. Yet it seems like yesterday that my world came crashing down and I had to make the hardest decision of my life. It’s still so hard to believe he is gone. It’s been a year and yet still so surreal. So much has happened in a year. A year ago, I never would have pictured my life where it is today. With the help of my wonderful family and friends, and the hugs and kisses from my beautiful girls, I have managed to put one foot in front of the other and try to make the best out of a horrible situation. Over the past year, there were days that I wanted to lay in bed, put the covers over my head, and never wake up. But how would that help the situation any? How would that make me a better mom? And Rob would NOT want that. This is my reality. This is my life now. Nothing I do will change that. So, for my sake and the sake of my daughters, I need to make life as normal and happy as possible for us. Our life will never be the “old normal” so we’re making a “new normal”. I’m learning that God does continue to bless, even through tragedy. Yesterday we came back to Osceola and Julia didn’t go to school today. This morning I went to the gravesite. What a difference one year makes. It’s full of grass. Then, I decided to try to make a sad day into a happy one. I surprised Julia with a new puppy. He is a havanese, black and white, and absolutely ADORABLE! He loves people (and kids) and is such a snuggle bug! He took to us right away and Julia is so excited. His name is D’ogie (pronounced D.O.G.—hahaha). It has made the day so much easier for us. Yesterday I put together a slideshow of pictures from Rob’s final homecoming to Nebraska, his wake, funeral, Memorial Service at Ft Hood, and Memorial Day. I’m going to try to figure out how I can post it on here and when I do, I’ll post it. It’s a great tribute and shows the pride Americans have for soldiers. Again, thank you so much for the support you have shown the girls and I throughout this past year. It has meant so much to us!!

Merry Christmas from Heaven

2009-11-18T13:37:00.002-05:00

Last week I went on a much needed "mini vacation" to Texas without the girls. I made a quick trip to Killeen to check on my house (which was in pretty good shape except for some cobwebs and nasty toilets!) then it was off to Dallas for the rest of the weekend. I was able to do some golfing and shopping. I got back last night to a very cranky little girl ( I think she had too much fun with her grandpas and grandmas!) and another girl who wanted to start decorating for Christmas NOW. I have always loved Christmas and tend to have a weakness for Christmas decorations. So, as you can imagine, I was a little overwhelmed with my 6 TUBS of Christmas decorations and 3 Christmas trees!!!! Of course no decorating can be done while Eva's awake because that would just be pointless! So, I told Julia that today I would decorate as much as I could while she was at school and Eva was at daycare and have the Christmas tree ready for her to decorate when Eva goes to bed. This year is definitely going to be interesting with Eva. I have no idea what she's going to do with all these decorations. I'm just hoping not too many get broken!! Anyways, as I was going through our decorations, I came across things that I knew were in the boxes but really didn't want to see them: our christmas stockings with Rob's name on his, ornaments from our first Christmas together, and a Christmas picture frame with a picture of Rob, Julia and me in it. I had completely forgotten about that. It's sad to know that the last time these decorations were put up, Rob was with us (I obviously didn't put any decorations out last year). I do have to chuckle about the last Christmas we had together, I had finally convinced Rob to put up Christmas lights on the house (which mind you I had bought 3 years before and were still in the box). So, he's up on the ladder when all of a sudden the ladder gives way and he crashed onto concrete! It scared me to death. But, besides a sore knee and bruised pride, he was fine. I just assumed that was the last of our Christmas light decorations so I started tearing the clips off the roof. Rob came out and said "What are you doing?! Heck no. I about killed myself putting those stupid things on and I'm going to finish the job." So, up the ladder he went again. Determined that man was!!! And the lights looked great. :) As I continue to go through ornaments, I also come across one that I received from a friend after Rob died. I couldn't have found it at a better time. As hard as Christmas is going to be for us, I know that Rob will be right here. With the ornament, came a poem. It reads:

"Merry Christmas from Heaven"

I still hear the songs

I still see the lights

I still feel your love

on cold wintery nights

I still share your hopes

and all of your cares

I'll even remind you

to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you

you still make me proud

You stand head and shoulders

above all the crowd

Keep trying each moment

to stay in His grace

I came here before you

to help set your place

You don't have to be

perfect all of the time

He forgives you the slip

If you continue the climb

To my family and friends

please be thankful today

I'm still close beside you

In a a new special place

I love you all dearly

now don't shed a tear

Cause I'm spending my

Christmas with Jesus this year

--John Wm. Mooney, Jr

Here's another story for you to prove that Rob is with us: Last week I put Eva down for a nap. She has a stuffed baby doll she sleeps with. When she woke up from her nap, I went in to get her and that doll was sitting on the edge of her cribrail against the wall. I asked her if she did that and she just giggled. I asked her to do it again, and she couldn't. She tried several times. I have no doubt that daddy was showing us that he is with us at all times....

One year since it all began...

2009-10-28T08:05:00.002-04:00

October 28^th. I wish this date was never on my calendar….I think I’ve decided that one year later is worse than when it actually happened. The reason I say this is because when I got the call, everything else was run on complete adrenaline. I thought moment to moment, hour to hour. I was praying for the best and hopelessly optimistic. I had no other choice. I KNEW Rob was going to be ok. He had to be. A year later, dreadfully anticipating this day and the next 34, I know the outcome and there is nothing I can do to change it. It’s a helpless feeling, making you feel sick. Two days ago, I was thinking “This was the last time Rob called home and I heard his voice.” For the life of me, I can’t remember what we talked about that day. I’m sure it was the “same old same old” but I just wish I could remember exactly the conversation. I wish I could have told him NOT to go out on the mission 2 days later. If we only knew…..Then all day yesterday, I kept counting down the hours until “doom day”. Today I’m going for a massage. I planned it for 11 am. It’s an hour massage. When I get done, it will be noon. The exact time I got the phone call. I figured, being relaxed will hopefully get me through that time. It’s crazy that even though that day was so hectic, I can still remember it so vividly. It’s so surreal. Even one year later, it’s hard to believe. As much as I didn’t want this to happen, God has a bigger plan. There was a purpose he gave Rob to me for the short amount of time he did. Although I may never know the complete reason, I have figured out a few things. Before I met Rob, there is no way I could have handled a situation like this the way I have. He taught me how to live independently and gave me the confidence in living life without him through his 3 deployments. He taught me to “suck it up and drive on”. He showed me that through hard work and determination, anything was possible. He made an impression on everyone he crossed paths with. He would fill a room up with his presence. And to this day, I still feel his presence. I have no doubt he is up in heaven, guiding me. The path I thought I would be taking with Rob took a major detour and now I’m taking the journey of life without him. However, through all the ups and downs, he’s been there. I’ve been blessed over and over even after this tragedy. The support and love the girls and I have received has been more than amazing. I still don’t know why such a great person had to leave so early, but I’m blessed to have been a part of his life. Julia still talks about daddy and all the great memories she has. Just the other day she said to me “I wonder what daddy is going to be for Halloween. I bet it will be the best costume ever. I should see if he could get Eva and I a thousand pieces of candy because I know he could do it.” And Eva has started recognizing Rob in photos as “dada”. Every night I tell her that daddy will watch her as she sleeps. And every night she looks at his photo above her bed and says “baby”. It is a photo of Rob holding her as a baby. And I say to her “Yes, daddy is holding his baby Eva.” Rob, I love you with all my heart. I wish things could have been different, but they’re not. So, please continue to guide me. You live on through our girls and I am so blessed to have them. They bring a smile to my face in the hardest of times and I know it’s you sending your love to me through them. Thank you for that.

Happy Birthday Rob

2009-10-07T21:30:00.002-04:00

October is a hard month. Today was Rob's birthday. He would have been 32. A year ago I was talking to him on the phone wishing him a happy birthday. I didn't know it would be the last time. I can't help but think what we would have done today for his birthday. Rob wasn't much on getting gifts, so I would probably have gotten him a card while Julia and Eva made him one, then the girls and I would have baked him his favorite cake (German chocolate) and then we probably would have gone out to eat (I'm guessing Outback since that was one of his favorites). Days like this are so hard-harder than you expect them to be. I'm sure all the "firsts" are, I'm just praying they get better each year. Yesterday I told Julia that today was Rob's birthday. She got excited and said "Yay!!" And then she caught herself. I think for a moment, she forgot daddy was gone. Even after almost a year, it is still easy to forget that he is gone. I have no doubt that Rob is with us. I can literally feel his presence. I just wish I could touch him. The only thing I can do is continue to move forward. Rob will always be a part of our lives and he would want us to be happy. But, in moving forward, I'm also letting go a bit. Last week, I sold Rob's truck. That was horribly bittersweet. That was his "baby". His pride and joy (besides his children of course!). He LOVED that truck. But, it just wasn't practical for me to drive. My uncle helped me and we posted it on Craigslist. We found someone on there who, through talking with my uncle, found out about our story. He refused for me to take a hit on my loan after everything I had been through, and actually paid a couple hundred dollars OVER what I owed on the loan. He said he had the utmost respect for our servicemen and women and that was the least he could do. He wired the money to the bank and had a transporter come and get it. Wow. There are such good people out there. But, when I saw the truck get loaded up, my heart was so sad. Taking the things out of the truck that I knew Rob had put in there, was tough. His presence was all around that truck. But I also know Rob did not expect me to keep it. In fact, I was so nervous driving it. He was such a perfectionist with it, that I could literally hear him telling me not to do this or that with the truck! I finally said out loud "Rob, if you don't like how I'm driving your truck, then you shouldn't have died and left me to take care of it. So back off!" Then I'd hear him reply "I know babe. You're doing a great job. I'm just teasing you." I'm sure people passing by thought I was a crazy lady. :) Even though it was still hard to see the truck go, I'm glad I waited until now to do it. It gave me more time to get used to the fact that Rob wasn't coming back and that the truck truly wasn't practical. When I told Julia we had sold the truck and they were coming to get it that day, she said "I want to kiss it." She went over to the truck, kissed it and said "Don't touch that spot." Then I said to her "Daddy really liked that truck, didn't he?" And this is what my 8 year old replied with: "Yes, he did. But it was hard for you to drive it and now you can get a car that YOU want and is easier for you." Bless her heart. She never ceases to amaze me. So, although our daily lives are healing slowly but surely, there are these bumps in the road that cause you to rip the bandage off. The next couple of months, there will be lots of bandages getting ripped off. Happy Birthday, Rob. I know you are having the best birthday celebration! WE LOVE YOU.

Happy 8th Birthday Julia!

2009-09-01T09:56:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was Julia's birthday. It's so hard to believe my little girl is now 8. I remember 8 years ago being in labor and having to go for an emergency c-section after 25 hours (with NO pain medication--yeah, don't know what I was thinking!). I was completely out of it but mom later told me that Rob was so upset and scared seeing me in so much pain. As they wheeled me to the c-section room, he told my mom that he never wanted to do this again. Mom reassured him that once he held our little girl in our arms, it would all be worth it. She was right. One of our friends told me after Rob died that the day after Julia was born, they came to see us. Rob was in the hallway and told them that he already loved being a dad. And what a great dad he was! This weekend we had a birthday party for Julia. Our family came over and everyone had lots of fun. Thank goodness for our trampoline because the kids were on there the whole time--Julia even opened her gifts on it! lol Then yesterday after school, we drove out to Osceola. We stopped at the cemetary so Julia could release a balloon. It's so surreal every time I go there. I absolutely can't believe that Rob's spot is covered in grass and is no longer a large mound. It makes me realize just how much time has passed. He died 9 months ago today. Crazy. As Julia released her balloon, we watched it float high in the sky. When we looked away for a second and looked back, we could no longer see it. I asked Julia "Do you think Daddy grabbed it?" "Yep" she said. I, too, felt that he had. On the way out of the cemetary, Julia said to me in the most innocent and excited voice "Wouldn't that have been cool if the balloon had carried us up there too? Then when daddy got it, he would have said 'What a surprise! I wasn't expecting you guys here!' And then I would let go of the balloon and run to him yelling 'DADDY!!!!!' " This hit me like a load of bricks. I pictured how excited she would be if Rob were to miraculously come back to us. It made me so sad. But, then, it also reinstated the fact she knows she will see her daddy again someday. I know Rob is looking down so proud of his little girl. She is so smart and sweet.

School has started

2009-08-18T09:39:00.003-04:00

I know it's been a long time since I last wrote. The Yllescas girls have been really busy the last few weeks of summer! I had a blast at my Mary Kay Seminar in Dallas. It was great to be surrounded by positive, upbeat women-especially during our anniversary. When I got back to Nebraska, Julia was busy getting ready for the fair. Thanks to her grandmas' sewing, gardening, and craftiness, she was able to enter a dress, pinata, tomatoes, and a few other things. Since she is in the younger age group, they did not get judged on their projects. Instead, they all received participation ribbons. Next year Julia will be moved up to the older kids category in which they will get judged. I had to laugh because when she found that out, she said "Ohhhhh...I'm so nervous!" Julia's first day of second grade was already last week! She was so excited to go. When I picked her up, I asked her how it was. "Well, it wasn't my best first day ever." I guess she had a headache all day and then wiped out on the playground and scraped her leg all up. Poor thing. But the next day was much better and she informed me that she thinks 2nd grade will be much more fun than 1st grade! :) Julia has also started dance classes up again. Eva has started talking a lot now. I've even noticed her singing the ABC song! Of course she doesn't sing the alphabets but she has the tune down. :) I'm still working on getting my house sold in Texas. That is such a big stress for me especially since I am here in Nebraska and can't keep my eye on it. But, I have great friends in TX who are helping me out tremendously with this. I'm also looking into trading in Rob's truck and my vehicle for an SUV. I need something that will pull the boat but is more practical for me to drive. It's going to be really hard to get rid of Rob's truck because that was his "baby" but I know he would understand. It's just too hard for me to drive around a F250 King Ranch diesel truck!!! So, as usual, we continue to be busy. As life continues to move forward, my thoughts and memories of Rob stay constant. I think of him often throughout the day and don't even realize it until I think back on the day. He will always be in our hearts. There's not a day goes by that I don't miss him terribly. I find myself getting really sad/frustrated/angry when the small things happen. For instance, my vehicle wouldn't start and I couldn't figure out why. I know nothing about cars. But Rob would have figured it out in a heartbeat. When something in the house breaks, Rob would have known what to do. Yes, I'm blessed to have my brothers and dad near, but it's not the same. It's a very helpless and overwhelming feeling. I'm getting better with asking for help because I know I just can't do everything on my own. But, I'm getting better at doing things I used to hate to do like making phone calls to companies, going through mail, house maintenance, etc. I'm used to doing things on my own since Rob had deployed so much. But, I also LOVED giving back those duties when he returned. So, I'm learning to let the little things go and prioritize in order to keep my sanity! :) Things are getting better but every once in awhile that frustration will creep back in. That's when I take a deep breath, say a prayer, and, if needed, ask for help. I know I've said this alot, but I truly don't know what I would do without the support and help of my awesome family and friends!!!!!

The pictures are of me in front of the Mary Kay Corporate Office and sitting at Mary Kay Ash's actual desk (wearing her glasses) and of Julia's first day of 2nd grade.

Anniversary...

2009-07-24T10:21:00.002-04:00

The girls and I have been really busy the month of July. Julia had a "kiddie college" that my mother in law enrolled her in all this week and she's also watching Eva for me. As much as the break is nice, I really miss those little turkeys! They keep my mind busy and fill my heart with joy. Next week I leave for Dallas for a Mary Kay seminar. I'm really looking forward to this for a couple of reasons. It is an amazing thing to be a part of and I know it will really help me with my new adventures in Mary Kay. But, I'm also extremely grateful to be going, especially next week, and to be surrounded by extremely upbeat, positive women. Next Wednesday, July 29th, would have been Rob's and my 9th anniversary. It's so hard to believe we would have been married that long. Next year for our 10th anniversary, he was going to upgrade my wedding ring. The things he did to get out of buying me diamonds! :) Seriously, though, when I think about my first anniversary without Rob, so many emotions go through me. On that day, I can't even look up to heaven and say "Happy Anniversary" to him. It's not happy. So, I'm trying to figure out what exactly I can say. I do know this though: if I knew 9 years ago that this is how it would turn out, I, without a doubt, would still have married him. Of course, I would have done things differently. I would have cherished our time together more, laughed more, loved more, fought less, and hugged tighter. But I will forever cherish the times we did spend together and the 2 beautiful girls we have. So, thank you Rob for giving me a wonderful life with you. Although it was cut extremely short, I am grateful for the time I had with you. You made me a better person. You loved life and your enthusiasm rubbed off on me. I love you so much.

Happy 4th of July!

2009-07-05T19:22:00.002-04:00

Wow. It's been a busy weekend! I hope you all had a wonderful and safe 4th of July. My mother in law took the girls for the weekend and I spent it with friends. We had a blast and, once again, feel so blessed to have such amazing people in my life. It's hard to believe that on July 3, Rob deployed for Afghanistan. If I'd only knew it would have been the last time he hugged and kissed us, I would have held on longer. Through this whole experience, I've learned to cherish the times with the ones that are important to you. You never know when your time with them can be cut short. Although Rob is gone, I still continue to feel his presence among us. Although, it was a tragedy to lose him, I'm recognizing God's blessings surrounding me. I've "slowed down to smell the roses". Even though my days are hectic, I cherish the time with my girls and know that all too quickly they will grow up. I cherish my family and friends and how much they love and support us. And I also reflect more on the meaning behind holidays such as Memorial Day, Veterans Day, and the 4th of July. Our military men and women fought for our freedom, some making the ultimate sacrifice. It's easy to take that for granted until it smacks you right in the face. I'm proud to be an American and I'm so grateful that I live in the land of the free. I will never take that for granted because as I now know without a doubt: freedom isn't free.

Happy Father's Day

2009-06-22T12:54:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was another day of our many firsts without Rob. It was hard because I knew he would have been with us this Father's Day, just back from the deployment. It was also hard because my 2 little girls didn't have a daddy here to wish him a Happy Father's Day. However, since Julia is so young, I really don't think she even realized what yesterday was. I didn't bring it up and she was having fun playing with her cousins. We got together at my Aunt and Uncle's house for a BBQ. We were surrounded by family and friends and I can honestly say we got through the day easier than I had imagined. My brothers and my dad have stepped up to the plate as "Pseudo Dads" and they're doing a wonderful job! The girls adore their uncles and grandpa and I know this new role for them will prove crucial during the many years ahead (especially when it's time for them to start dating--yikes!!!). I'm so blessed to have such wonderful, caring men in my life who can honestly say they love my children like their own. I know I've said this many times before, but Rob was an AMAZING father! I was so blessed to have him be the father of my children. He truly loved spending time with them, wrestling, playing soccer, taking them out on the boat. It's sad that Eva did not get the opportunity to see what a truly wonderful father she had but I know she will never have a doubt because Julia was blessed with so many wonderful memories and will share these with her sister. Rob loved his little girls with all his heart and would have done absolutely anything for them. For being such a "manly man", his little girls had themselves wrapped around his finger and he had no problems showing anyone just how much he loved them. I'll never forget 2 years ago for Julia's birthday she got fingernail polish. The next morning I woke up to Julia painting daddy's fingernails pink and purple! He was sitting there patiently soaking up the daddy/julia time. I just had to get a picture of his beautiful nails. Being the good sport he was, he allowed me to do this with one condition: "At least let me hold a beer in my hand!" lol I'll never forget the day Eva was born. I was in the recovery room, and I looked over to where Rob was sitting and he was holding Eva, so tiny wrapped in her little blanket, and he was looking down at her. The love that showed in his eyes was one I will never forget. The other day I was going to chart Eva's 15 month appt in her baby book. When I opened up the book, the page I fell upon, was the one where he had written her a letter the day he deployed. It broke my heart to read, but I will forever be grateful for that letter. I could go on and on about all the wonderful things Rob did. My girls will always know the kind of father they had. He lives on through them and I feel joy when I look into my girls' eyes and see a part of their father in them.

We finally have a chopper!

2009-06-14T17:32:00.002-04:00

Well, my 16 month old FINALLY got her first tooth last week! Julia was a late teether too but not this long. Poor thing. She's coughing, drooling, running nose, and diaper rash. But, hopefully as it was with Julia, her teeth will pop up like popcorn and we can get this all over with quickly! She's still such a sweet baby. But ORNERY! One day, in about a 5 min timeframe, she threw a pair of my tennis shoes in the bathtub full of water, unrolled a roll of toilet paper, and flushed the toilet about 10 times. Oh, that little one keeps me busy. I'm grateful for the distraction though. It's going to be a long summer....Julia's already bored! lol But, I'm trying to plan lots of trips and activities to keep her busy. We're flying out to Ohio to spend time with my friend, Karen, and her kids for a week in June. It's something that I will really need since it will be close to the time Rob was supposed to return. I'm starting to have more of a social life which has been really nice for me. As much as I love my children, I need to feel like I'm more than just a mom. Again, my family has been wonderful and watching the girls so I can do this. It's hard for me to make friends here since I'm used to the "forced" meetings in the military community, but slowly and surely, I'm making them. At times I feel guilty for going out, but my family and friends have reassured me that it's just as good for the girls to get away every once in awhile with family as it is for me to. Besides that, nothing else has really gone on except the same old, same old. Routine is good. :)

The rollercoaster continues....

2009-06-02T00:33:00.002-04:00

Six months ago today I had to let the love of my life go. It seems like an eternity ago but I can still feel him so close to me. I admit, most days are getting easier. However, as the end of the deployment approaches, the more reality is setting in. Before, I was able to trick my mind into thinking he was deployed. But when the soldiers get off the bus and greet their families, mine won't be there. I won't receive that hug. Julia won't get to wrestle with daddy and Eva won't get to know the man that held her tiny body before he got on that bus to take him to the airport. It's so bittersweet. I'm very relieved the guys came home safe and are now able to reunite with their families. But, my soldier didn't. The only thing we have left are memories and the knowing that one day we will have our reunion. There are so many new firsts that are facing the girls and I. Some are empowering but most are scary. I know Rob is walking beside us and guiding our way, I just wish he was physically here doing it. The more I move forward, the more it feels like I'm letting go. But, no matter what, Rob will always own a very special part of my heart. I can see him through our children and feel so blessed every single day that he gave them to me. Julia has his looks and Eva has his personality. Pictures are so critical for Julia's memories and Eva's recognition of who her father was. But pictures just don't do Rob justice. He had a presence that filled a room. He was a stern yet respected leader to his soldiers and a kind and loving father to his children. One of my friends had a quote that I absolutely love: "Some heroes wear capes. Mine wore combat boots." Rob, you are my hero. I love you so much and everything I do, I do so I can see you again in Heaven.

Memorial Day

2009-05-26T20:33:00.003-04:00

Wow. Memorial Day took on a whole new meaning for me this year. I am so blessed to have amazing, supportive friends who came to Nebraska to spend Memorial Weekend with me. When I turned 30, my friend Karen said that we needed to do something special for my 30th birthday sometime during this year. I thought about it and decided that Memorial Weekend would be a great time. Not only could we have a 30th birthday bash but I would also have my military friends by my side for what I knew would be a very emotional day. Those who flew arrived Thursday and the others drove in Friday. Friday evening we got a limo and went to a local winery in Lincoln. It was an absolute blast! Saturday we went to a club and Sunday we went to the movies and then came back to my house and played Charades. I don't think I have laughed so hard in ages! My trampoline was also a popular favorite. :) Monday we drove to Osceola for the Memorial Service held at the cemetary. It was a beautiful ceremony. My friend Kim took some amazing photos. Thank you, Kim! Rob's grave was decorated so beautifully with all sorts of red, white, and blue. It was a very overwhelming feeling knowing my husband was one of those being REMEMBERED. However, it really makes you take a step back and realize what a significant part Rob and all the other military who gave the Ultimate Sacrifice have played in the fight to keep our America free. Rob told me once that he joined the military and went to war so that our children would never have to. Once again, pride filled my heart. Thank you to those who have paid the Ultimate Sacrifice and thank you to those who continue to serve. Without them, we could be living in a much different country.

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-09T22:01:00.002-04:00

Today I went back to Osceola to visit my parents. As I always do, I went up to the cemetary to visit Rob alone. As I was sitting there next to him, I couldn't help but think: "This is so messed up that I'm visiting my husband in a cemetary." I see this dirt mound with 10 American flags sticking out all over it and have a hard time picturing my Rob laying there. This is the continuing ride on the emotional roller coaster. I'll be having a good day and then something will trigger my sadness and I'll breakdown--if only for a few moments. The other day I was going through Julia's school bag. In it I found a card she had written and drawn. It said "To daddy. From Julia." On it she drew a picture of the four of us. She then wrote "I miss you. I love you." I found another picture she had drawn. In the middle was a big cross. On the cross she wrote "We love God!" Then she drew pictures of birds and grass. On the top there were 2 people. One was labeled "God" and the other "Daddy". Bless her heart. I find comfort in knowing she is expressing herself through drawing. Later that day, I was going through Eva's toy box. At the bottom, I found the daddy doll. This is a doll we had made for the girls before Rob deployed. It is a small pillow with Rob's head to toe photo on it. I took it out and gave it to Eva. She grabbed it and kissed it. When she did that, I broke down in tears. Well, Eva thought this was hilarious seeing mommy crying like that and started laughing at me! What a way to cheer mommy up! Little turkey. I know that life as I knew it before Rob died will never be the same. He will always be a part of me just not in the physical form. Mother's day this year has so much more meaning to me. The last gift I ever received from Rob was a hammock he bought me for Mother's Day last year. He knew how much I wanted one, so he went out and bought me one, hung it on the tree, and surprised me by having me come out and see it. I was so happy. I'm anxious to get that put up at my new house. I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful mom and mother in law. I thank God everyday for them. When times are tough, I know I always have them loving and supporting me. My mother in law has been so supportive and has helped me with the girls SO much!! My mom has comforted me on those rough days and been by my side every single day. If I can be half the mom my mom is, I would be thrilled. So, thank you Barb for loving me like one of your own daughters. And thank you Mom for giving me the strength and encouragement to get through this so I can be the best mom I can be for my girls. Happy Mother's Day to the best moms in the world!

Address

2009-05-07T11:28:00.001-04:00

I just wanted to let everyone know that I didn't renew my PO Box in Osceola. If you need my address, please email me and I will get it to you. Thanks!

6 Months ago today.....

2009-04-28T16:28:00.003-04:00

It's hard to believe that today it has been 6 months since we got the news that would change our lives forever. "Your husband, Captain Rob Yllescas of 6-4 Cav, Bravo Troop has been injured in Afghanistan." I can remember that day in vivid detail. It seems like yesterday. Yet, it seems like years ago. When I really stop and think about everything that's happened in the last 6 months, it almost takes my breath away. I'm proud to say that the girls and I are moving forward. We've started building our lives without Rob. Not that there aren't days that it doesn't hurt. The emotional roller coaster continues. But, through our faith, family, and friends we're getting through it. When there are days I'm feeling sorry for myself, I remember the promise I made to Rob before we took him off life support: the girls and I would be ok. As badly as I wanted it, Rob and my's destiny was not to grow old together. In time, I may figure out why God's plan was this for us. I've thought a lot about Rob's death at such a young age. I truly believe that some people just know they aren't going to be here for long. I feel Rob was one of these people. I just get blown away every time I think about how much he truly LIVED in his short 31 years. I'm truly blessed to have had him in my life for the 10 years I did. I'm honored that he chose me to be his wife. I will keep my promise to him because he would want nothing less. I can hear him say his favorite saying: "Suck it up and drive on." Rob, thank you for being my rock even as one of God's angels.

Pictures of Easter

2009-04-15T16:25:00.004-04:00

Here are some pictures of Easter. Enjoy....

Lots happening!

2009-04-15T15:54:00.002-04:00

Wow. We've had a lot going on the past week. Last Wednesday, the girls and I attended a Proclamation at the State Capitol to recognize the month of April as Military Child Month in Nebraska. Well, Julia was surprised when a limo came to our house to pick us up and take us to the Capitol! She has always wanted to ride in a limo so the American Legion riders made this happen for her. I had to laugh to myself when I was in the limo. Never did I think I would be riding in a limo with 2 children in carseats! When we arrived at the Capitol, the American Legion Riders were waiting for us and lined up on the sidewalk as we walked into the building. After the proclamation, we got back into the limo and headed to Chuck E Cheese with the Riders escorting us! Since my mom and sister in law had never been in a limo, they and my niece joined us for the ride. The little girls were so excited all the way there. Once we arrived at Chuck E Cheeses, the Riders were waiting for us and Chuck E himself came out and greeted the girls as they got out of the limo. They then presented us with giftcards, stuffed bunnies and food and tokens for Chuck E's. It was an absolutely amazing day that will never be forgotten. Julia had an extra bounce her in step the rest of the day. People are so kind. They have been more generous to the girls and I than I ever would have expected or imagined!!! Here is a link to the article that was written about that day in the Lincoln Journal Star:

http://journalstar.com/articles/2009/04/09/news/local/doc49dd25662dcc2634444514.txt

Then we had a nice Easter Weekend at my parents' house. Saturday we decorated Easter eggs. Of course Julia had a blast and Eva tried to be quick and "decorate" herself!! Sunday we had a small gathering which was perfect and of course the annual Gissler Easter Egg hunt. We did have a moment when Julia was upset that she didn't find the "Golden Egg". I feel bad because I didn't catch on, but it was later discovered that Julia was sad because her dad should have been here to help her find the egg. Bless her heart. Holidays are hard. Baby steps, right......

Yesterday was an extremely emotional day for me. I attended a funeral in Kansas for the infant daughter of our good friends. This was not unexpected, but it still doesn't make it any easier. Again, the question "why" always comes to mind but you just have to have Faith. This was the first funeral I attended since Rob's. It was extremely hard but there is no way I wouldn't be there. These friends have been amazing to me and were extremely close to Rob and I. It seems like so much sadness has happened to our small circle of friends. We have a bond that will never be separated. I have absolutely no doubt that Rob is cradling baby Emma in his arms right now and will watch over her until her parents meet her again. Please keep them in your prayers. My heart aches for them because I literally know the emotional rollercoaster ride they are on.

Staying busy

2009-04-06T21:17:00.006-04:00

Well, we've been staying busy with the normal routines of life and keeping up a new house. Last weekend, I went back to my hometown to play in the alumni volleyball game. I was extremely nervous about this since I haven't played in 13 years! Surprisingly, it wasn't has bad as I was imagining and we even tied for 2nd!! (I won't mention there were only 4 teams....). Anyways, it was great to see old classmates and friends I hadn't seen in awhile. While we were there, grandpa got the jeep going for the girls. Both Eva and Julia LOVE to be outside. Eva could literally be turning blue and she'd come inside kicking and screaming! When she first got in the jeep with Julia, I thought she was crying. Oh, no, she was actually BELLY LAUGHING!! She had a ball! So, we brought the jeep back to our house and we've gone on "walks" with Julia as the driver. I'll be glad when the weather decides to warm up enough so we can finally get the swingset and trampoline set up. I know we will be outside almost all day when the weather turns nice. After Rob passed away, my brother's work gave us a bunch of gift cards. One of the giftcards was to an indoor play park called Lost In Fun. So, this past Sunday, the girls, my nieces, and nephew all went there and they had a blast!! Eva walked around thinking she was so big playing with all the toys and Julia was running around with her cousins playing on EVERYTHING!! Nothing like getting all the energy out of the kiddos so they have a long restful night of sleep! :) Also, I thought this is so funny: Rob was very into cleaning. In fact, he cleaned more toilets and mopped more floors than I ever did! Well, one of Julia's favorite toys she got for christmas one year was a toy vacuum cleaner. Oh, I've been blessed twiced... I've discovered I've got another little merry maid on my hands! I'm not complaining....the more help the BETTER!!!!!

Finally pictures of the house

2009-03-27T13:28:00.004-04:00

Here are a few pictures of the house and the floors we did. I couldn't get a good pic of Julia's cute polka-dot room so I'll have to sent that another time.

Pictures

2009-03-24T23:28:00.002-04:00

I know a lot of you are anxious to see some photos of the place. I haven't forgotten about you but my camera has seemed to have grown legs and walked off. As soon as I locate it and have some time to take pics, I'll share a few!! :) We're getting settled little by little. The realities of life continue to slowly sink in. I miss Rob so much. You don't realize how much you take someone for granted until they're gone. Rob was such an amazing father and husband. He helped with the house and kids so much. It's very overwhelming doing the every day things on your own. When Rob was deployed all those times, I was able to do them because I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I was also able to ask him questions and get his advice. Now, I feel like I'm blindly walking through life praying I do the right things. As strange as this may seem, I can hear Rob talk to me. Whether it's me saying the things that Rob would say to me, or him actually saying them to me, I still find comfort in it. There have been several times when I didn't know where something was at or how to do something when I would "hear" him and then I would find the thing or figure out how to do it. It's super crazy but I feel we are that connected. I cling to our memories and cherish the time we spent. I point out daddy to Eva in pictures and she says "dada". She will grow up knowing what an amazing daddy she and Julia had. Julia's doing great. We have our moments where she likes to "test" me, but for the most part, she's a great help and most definetly a wonderful big sister. It's hard not being part of the military anymore. When you move to new places, the military "forced" you to meet new people through coffees and other gatherings. Being new here, it's hard for me to get out and meet people. In honesty, I'm too exhausted to even think about meeting people. I'm still consumed in paperwork and being the "all in one" parent takes a lot out of you. But, in time, things will get better. I'm blessed to have the support I do and could not ask for better friends and family.

Making a home

2009-03-15T23:53:00.002-04:00

As I'm sure you can all guess by the lack of me writing recently, I've gotten moved into our new house. We finished the wood floors Wednesday evening just in time for the movers to come the next morning! We didn't think we'd get it done, but I was very determined, and by golly, we did! :) Anyways, you really forget just how much stuff you have in your place until the movers keep taking it off the truck. Just when I thought I had everything in it's place, my parents would come over with a bunch more things that I accumulated at their house. So, I'd find a place for those, take a sigh of relief, and then wouldn't you know it, my brothers would come with a bunch of things I had left at their houses!!!! But, amazingly enough with a lot of help from my family and friends (and staying up VERY late nights!!), 10 days after the movers arrived, I've gotten everything (I think!!) in it's place, curtains up, accessories bought, pictures on the wall, and able to fully live in it without tripping over boxes. The only place that we still have to do is the garage. Rob always did that and besides a screwdriver and a few other tools, I don't know what 90% of his garage things do (and he has a LOT of them). So, my dad is going to do that part and show me where to find things. Of course, there are a few rooms that I still need to "perfect" but I can't do everything now because then I can keep my mind busy doing them on other days. I didn't go through Rob's things yet. They're in their own boxes in a store room. I need to give that time. Although I feel like this house is finally feeling like a home, there's still a HUGE void in it. I know he's gone but when I see him in pictures, it makes it feel like he's still alive. Of course I want pictures up of my husband and the girls' daddy up, but they also make me sad. I hope in time, that feeling lessens. On another note, Eva finally decided to start walking!!! She's been taking a few steps here and there for several weeks, but now she's walking around more and more. It's so cute watching her because she looks like a drunken sailor! :) I continue to thank God for my girls. They definetly keep me busy and with all the firsts they will be doing, it helps keep my mind off of things. Well, I'm really tired and so I'll end here. I'll try to write again soon (especially now that I finally have internet at my home!)

I must be CRAZY!!!

2009-03-03T23:40:00.002-05:00

I am SO EXHAUSTED!!! I wanted to give a quick update since it's been a while since I last wrote.... My trip to TX went well. My dad and I rode down in his truck and my brothers took my truck and followed us. We arrived Saturday evening. On Sunday we were busy taking down the swingset, Julia's loft bed, and putting the wheels back on the boat trailer among other things. Monday morning, my brothers headed back up to NE pulling the boat behind them. The packers arrived soon after. My dad and I decided to get a hotel since there wasn't much left to sleep on. I enjoyed my "extra" time in the evenings spending time with my TX girlfriends. On Wednesday, the movers arrived and loaded up all the boxes and furniture. Once they left, dad, and my friends Paige and Ali helped me clean the house. Dad then went back to the hotel which allowed Paige, Ali and I to have one last "hoorah" at my home. It was SO hard leaving it. It's always hard leaving a home, but this one was especially hard to leave. But, as we left for NE early Thursday morning, I was able to close that chapter and start another one. We arrived in NE late Thursday night and by Friday afternoon, I had pulled up the carpet in the main floor. Saturday my dad, brother, sister in law and I started laying hard wood floors in the dining/front room, living room, and kitchen (somehow among this I also managed to paint Julia's room). I have been working from 8:30 in the morning to about 9 pm with my dad and my brothers and sister in laws have been coming over after work to help. By Sunday evening I was wondering what the heck I was thinking starting this project!!!! Laying floors is definetly hard labor and there are parts on my body that I didn't even know could hurt!! But, things are coming together and we may actually get done tomorrow evening just in time for my house hold goods to arrive on Thursday! My garage is filled with carpet, vinyl, and flooring boxes so I am going to have to take those to the dump to make room for our boxes from TX. And boy does doing flooring make the house dusty (and messy)! In the end, I will be SO GLAD I did the floors now before my furniture arrived. Rob and I have laid floors before in our house in KS and he didn't mess around. He wanted them done YESTERDAY. So, I've been called (kiddingly, I think) a slave driver by my dad and brothers, but hey we're getting it done! :) I'm sure Rob's had a few laughs at us during this project but I also know he's pretty impressed at his girl laying the floors like an old pro! :) Anyways, I'm exhausted and I have another long day tomorrow. Maybe one day this chaos will end and I will finally be able to relax....

We finally have our OWN house in Nebraska!!

2009-02-20T23:50:00.002-05:00

Well, Tuesday I closed on my house in Nebraska. It went smooth and I felt rather proud of myself for being able to buy a house on my own. However, saying that, this milestone is also very bittersweet. I'm very nervous about owning a house all by myself. Granted, I'm extremely lucky to have an awesome father and brothers, but it's still nerve wracking! I just wish Rob was living with us. There are so many things I want to ask his opinion about and I find myself arranging the house by how I know he would have liked it. My dad, my brothers, and I are leaving early in the morning to go to TX. The packers and movers will be at the house there Mon-Wed and my brothers are driving my boat back for me. Obviously, I'm anxious to have our things back and put into our new house, but I'm absolutely dreading the house in TX becoming empty. I loved that house and Rob and I had it built together. It would have been one thing if we were moving somewhere else the Army took us but it's so much HARDER leaving it without Rob. That being said, I think it will help me move forward by getting settled in a new house. I have lots of projects planned to keep me busy. The movers are delivering our things on the 5th of March so between when we get back from TX and the 5th, my dad and I are putting hard wood floors on the main level of the house. Plus, I also have to get Julia's room painted! Both of those things are much easier to do BEFORE the furniture arrive!! In my whole adult life I've never lived in a house longer than 2 years so I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to do several "projects" and rearranging in the years to come to make it feel "new" again! On a different note, Julia and I attending another Charlie Brown's group last night. Julia usually isn't too eager to go but I still have her go because I feel in the end, it will be very beneficial to her. Last night they started talking about the grief process and this will take several of the days to cover. Well, when we were done, Julia said to me "Mommy, we can't miss for 2 weeks because we're talking about our feelings. Feelings that we think are bad, like anger, really aren't bad if you learn how to use it in a good way!" I was so happy that she was excited about this. I can see she is listening and getting things out of it. Plus I think it helped because last night there were several girls her age in her group. So, little by little, minute by minute, we'll continue to figure out how to get through life without Rob and daddy.

Rob's Oil Painting

2009-02-13T17:57:00.003-05:00

Here is the oil painting I was telling you about. I know many of you wanted to see a picture of it. I've also included the actual photograph the artist used for the painting. Now you can understand what I meant when I said I was floored! He did an absolutely amazing job. Project Compassion is a wonderful foundation. Their work means so much to people like myself. It is something that will always be cherished.

All Partied Out!

2009-02-10T11:14:00.004-05:00

Whew! It's been a busy week for us. The day after Eva's birthday, was my niece Megan's 4th birthday. My brother and sister in law decided to wait to do her birthday party until the following weekend, but on her birthday we went to Chuck E Cheese's. Of course, every child LOVES Chuck E Cheese's, but I was SHOCKED at how much Eva liked it! I put her on one of the rides and couldn't get her off of it! She would cry and cling to it every time I would try to take her off of it. It made me laugh. There's one ride that when you're on it, it takes a picture of you. Well, I think I have about 6 pictures of Eva on that ride because she was always on it. :) Julia also amazed me at how many tickets she won from the different games she played. Before, Rob would always have to help her because, of course, Julia would always want to buy some big gift with the small amount of tickets she won and came out with a pencil!! So, Rob bless his heart, would play and play just so Julia could come out of there with at least a pencil and a lip gloss or something! Well, that night, she was loaded with tickets and left with several little things that she was really happy with. She just knew that her daddy would have been so proud of her. I know he would have been, too! Then later that week, Julia and Eva both went to the doctor. First of all, their doctor is an hour away, but that's a whole other issue I have with Tricare (the military medical insurance) right now and won't even get into that right now!! Anyways, Eva had her one year check up. She weighs 20lbs 11oz and is 28 1/2in long! She also had to get her shots (which always break my heart) but she took them like a trooper and after only crying for a minute, was on to bigger and better things. They said she is right on par with her development and even a little advanced with her comprehension. Julia's been having stomach problems ever since Rob deployed. We had her seen while we were in TX and again this time and both can't find anything wrong and feel it is stressed reduced. Bless her heart. I bought her some kid's Tums and she says those help her alot. Later that day, I went and bought Eva her "big girl" carseat. She looks so little in it but she thinks she is big stuff when she rides in it. She loves the new "view" from the front! Then on Saturday, we had Megan's birthday party. Before the party, I went shopping with my mom and found material for curtains in my new bedroom that she is going to make. Then we went to the mall and there is an indoor carausol that Megan and Julia wanted to ride (and of course Eva). So, I got volunteered to go with them. And boy, I can tell that I'm getting old because the girls LOVED it and I left that thing feeling so sick!! I definetly don't think I could go on a roller coaster anymore! Then we all took the girls to the party. Eva discovered how to blow on one of those party blowers. It was so funny watching such a little thing be able to do that! Those are hard to do! Every time she would do it, we would all laugh because you couldn't help not too. Then that night we went back to my parents in Osceola. The next day we went to my great-aunt's 80th birthday party. It was so nice seeing people I hadn't seen in awhile. Then AFTER THAT (whew!), we went to my cousin's house for her daughter's one year birthday party. Of course, Eva went crazy when she saw Amarae's birthday cake and thought she should be able to squish her hands in the cake too! So, as you can see, we have been REALLY busy! On top of all that, I'm still doing my usual paperwork and getting ready to close on my house in exactly ONE WEEK!! I'm so excited. I'll be going down to TX the 21st with my dad and brothers. They are going to help bring back my boat and some other things and then I'll stay a few more days with my dad while the packers and movers are there. Unfortunately, the movers won't deliver our things to our house in Ne until March 5th, but after thinking about it, that will be ok since I can get things done (like putting cabinet locks on ALL my cabinets since Miss Eva loves to rearrange things in the cabinets several times a day & do a little bit of painting). It will be nice to finally be moved in, though, because by the time we get our things, it will have been over 4 months since we had them. That's so hard to believe. Also, after Rob died, I received a note from something called "Project Compassion". They said they would make an oil painting of Rob for free. I sent in the pictures and when I was at my parents' house, the painting had arrived. It is absolutely BEAUTIFUL! I can't believe someone can be that talented. It looks exactly like Rob. It's 16x24. It is something that the girls and I will always cherish. Thank you, Project Compassion.

Happy 1st Birthday, Eva Grace!!!

2009-02-01T19:21:00.002-05:00

I made a whirlwind trip to Texas this past week. I needed to bring my car back so I flew down to Tx. I was able to see one of my friend's husband who was home on R&R. Then I did a bunch of things with the house to get it ready for the movers. I took all the pictures off the wall and patched up all the nail holes. The office was the hardest to do since all the pictures that were hanging, Rob had put up. I saved it for last and took pictures of the entire room so I would always remember it. I have to say that this trip to the house was a lot harder than when I went down for the memorial service. I was by myself this time and the silence was deafening. I absolutely love my house but I couldn't stand to be alone in it. My friend Ali then drove with me back to Nebraska. Ali and I went to see Rob at the cemetary. I had bought a little Willow Tree figurine that was a little girl holding a balloon saying "birthday girl" and a pink rose that I put on his grave. Ali bought a yellow rose and guardian angel pin from the guys and also layed it next to him. I cannot believe my little baby is now one year old! It's so bittersweet. Rob was supposed to be here for her birthday. This morning when we woke up, my parents, Julia and I all told Eva happy birthday. Eva then said "da-da". Julia said "Don't worry. Daddy will be there. He'll see you at your party." That little girl never ceases to amaze me!! We had a great time with family and friends. Eva was a hoot with her cake thoroughly enjoying all the delicious sweetness! :) So much has happened this past year but it still seems she should NOT be one!!! Time truly does fly. She is more fun every single day and I can't help but feel blessed that my two girls are in my life!!!!

Charlie Brown Kids

2009-01-22T11:10:00.004-05:00

Julia and I attended the Charlie Brown Kids support group last week. At first, Julia was clingy and didn't want me to leave her, but eventually she let me go to be with the adults and she was just with the other kids her age. The adults spoke about how their spouse died and they gave advice about certain things they learned through their process. It's nice talking with other adults who are in the same situation as me. When Julia was done, I asked her how she liked it. She said "It was good." She didn't really say more on the subject which is pretty common I've been told since children internalize things. Over time, I think she'll open up more. She was the only girl in her group of about 8 children. Most of the boys had lost their mothers to cancer. One thing Julia did say to me about this was "At least they are boys and they have their dads so they can do boy things together. It would have been really bad if you had died because daddy would NOT have known how to do my hair!" Again, out of the mouths of babes!

Then this weekend we had a great visitor. The exchange student from Sweden who stayed with us when I was a senior in high school had a business trip in California and stopped on his way to see us. It was a quick trip but really nice to see him. He told me that what happened to Rob really opened up people's eyes in Sweden to the war that was going on and how it can hit really close to home. The last time I saw David was 8 1/2 years ago. He came back from Sweden to be in Rob and I's wedding. David is truly like another brother to me and I'm anxious to meet his wife and daughter. We've made a point that it won't be another 8 1/2 years before we see eachother again!

As always, I'm up to my eyeballs in paperwork. And as always, people have been amazing at helping me sort through it. The days continue to be an emotional rollercoaster as I know they will continue to be for a long time. But knowing we will be living in our own house with our own things shortly has helped some. Even though I will still have the same amount of paperwork and stress at least it will be in my own home and Eva can pull out all the cans in MY pantry as I'm working instead of my brothers! :)

The pictures are of David, Julia at dance, and Eva in a tutu I made for her 1 year photos.

Again, thank you thank you thank you for all your continued support and prayers.

We found a house

2009-01-14T22:26:00.002-05:00

Well, I did find a house that I liked that I'm in the process of buying. Julia was really really excited. Before she saw it, I told her "Julia, you'll have to tell me if you like it." She said "Mommy, I'll like anything as long as I can have my things back." But, she did really like the house. She said her favorite thing was the patio and her least favorite thing was "it needs a walk in pantry." I think it's so funny that she said that considering she's 7! I really think it will be great for the girls and I to get settled into our own place with our own things. It's in a great location close to both of my brothers. I think that Rob would be really proud of me for getting this house. It's perfect for the 3 of us. It still makes me sick, though, to think that Rob will not be living with us in this house. I would live in a cardboard box if it meant we could have Rob back again. On another note, Julia and I are going to the Charlie Brown Kids support group tomorrow night. She is super excited to go. I'm really glad about that because I think this will be great for her. Again, thank you for the continued support. Even though life goes on for us, it's still a struggle every day. I still have a lot of emotions I'm dealing with. And being a single parent is not easy. At least when Rob was deployed, I had a light at the end of the tunnel. I knew he would be coming back and would be able to help me out. But now that light is gone. I can't say enough how wonderful it is to have such amazing family and friends to help me out. Thank you.

House Hunting

2009-01-08T18:15:00.002-05:00

Today my parents came down and we looked at a few homes. I found one that I absolutely love so we'll see how it goes. A part of me hates moving into a new home because Rob and I built our house in TX and had so many memories in it, but I also know that in order to move forward, this is something I need to do. Like I said before, realistically, I can't live in TX. It's too far from my family. Rob would want me to try to be happy and move forward. No matter how badly I want him back, there's nothing I can do to change what happened. Rob's biggest worry was how the girls and I would be if something should happen to him. I promised him we'd be ok when I last spoke to him at the hospital. I have no doubt he's watching over us helping me make the right decisions in everything I have to do try to get back to "normal" life. But right now, "normal" seems so far away. I keep being told that things will get better and the pain will ease over time, but right now that seems hard to believe. No matter what, Rob will always have a part of my heart. As "they" say, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.

Link to our house

2009-01-04T12:13:00.002-05:00

I've posted a link to our house I'm selling in Tx. It's on the right side of the blog. If you have any questions regarding it, please feel free to email me or my realtor. The house is a lot bigger on the inside than it looks on the outside. It's over 2000 sqft.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-03T12:39:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a wonderful New Year. I had a nice night out with my brothers. They took me to a friends house. When I got there, they had made a surprise slide show with pictures of me and others who recently had birthdays. It was so funny seeing me in my younger days! On New Year's Day, we watched the Nebraska football game. It was a good game. We won, but I can't help but think, Rob might have helped in pulling a few strings!! :) As you have all noticed, I have a new "face" for the page. I decided since it was a new year, I should focus on the new us. I'd like to take credit for how good it looks, but of course, my all-too-talented friend Nancy deserves the credit. Thanks, Nancy!!! I'd like to say that I' m getting into the swing of things, but I constantly hit roadblocks. It is such a headache ironing out all the kinks. I know with time, these will diminish, but until then, I'm working on a few gray hairs. Starting in January, I'm going to have Julia start attending a support group called "Charlie Brown Kids". It's specifically for children who've lost parents. I think it will be great for her. She'll be able to relate to these other children and not feel like she is the only one who this has happened to. They also have a group there for the surviving spouse so it will be great for me too. However, depending on how it goes, I may see a counselor one on one too. I know I've said this before but there are so many emotions going through me on top of having to deal with the everyday things. It's extremely overwhelming. I feel like I'm running a hundred miles a minute but barely moving. In a few days, I am going to try to post a link to our house I'm trying to sell in Texas. It's really a beautiful home and I hate to sell it but it's unrealistic for me to keep it when I'm up here. So, if any of you know anyone who's moving to the Ft Hood area, let them know about our house. They will be able to click on the link and see all the details.

2008 is coming to a close...

2008-12-28T21:03:00.003-05:00

It's hard to believe 2008 is almost over. The year went by so quickly. It's ironic how we started the year with the birth of our precious baby and ended it with the passing of Rob. I truly pray that 2009 will bring us much happiness. I also pray that it brings all of you much happiness and the rest of Rob's unit home safely. There is not a day goes by that I don't think of his men and all the other military men and women. Even though I knew something like this could happen to Rob, I never truly thought it would. The chances of this happening to HIM was almost like the chances of winning the lottery. So, this opens my eyes to all the danger our men and women put themselves in for our freedom. About a month before Rob was injured, my friend Ali was really worried about her husband who was with Rob. I remember telling her "Ali, of all the soldiers in Afghanistan, what are the chances something will happen to OUR husbands?" Wow. No longer can I be nieve. My friends are in the same situation I was and I pray that they NEVER have to go through what I'm going through. All I can say now is that they now have one of God's Warriors watching over them. I've enclosed some pictures of the girls from Christmas. Eva was so worn out she fell asleep in her exersaucer and Julia was able to make her very first snowman. So many people were so generous with them on Christmas. The girls were able to have a really nice Christmas. So, thank you again for everything you've all done. The comments left really pick me up when I need it the most and the girls can feel the love from even people they've never met. May God continue to bless you in 2009. I'll write again "next year"!!

Merry Christmas

2008-12-24T19:45:00.003-05:00

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas. I have to admit, I've been having a rough time the past couple of days. Between my birthday and now Christmas, reality is SLOWLY setting in. It's not like I can have one really bad day of just crying and screaming and then being done. Instead it feels like my heart is slowly getting ripped out every single day. Throughout the day it still feels so surreal and then all of a sudden, reality hits. I know that this will dull over time, but right now, that's hard to believe. BUT, no matter how bad I wish this was all a bad dream or that I could go back and undo the past, I can't. So, I have to focus on moving forward. And I will. Again, my family and friends are so wonderful. I don't know what I'd do without them. I was completely pampered yesterday for my birthday. The massage was wonderful and the dinner was so fun! We're getting together with my parents, Barb, and my brothers tonight and tomorrow. My brothers are also taking me out with them on New Years. So, as you can see, I'm trying to keep busy! On another note, I have a story I forgot to mention earlier. When Rob got injured, they put a flag up for him at Camp Bostick in Afghanistan. When he passed away, they took the flag down. When they did this, the clouds made a cross in the sky! That's what this picture is. Isn't it beautiful?!

Settling in

2008-12-17T13:20:00.003-05:00

There's not a lot to report right now. I'm trying to get settled at my brother's house. I'm so grateful to them for letting us stay with them. It helps us out so much. Today one of the liasons we had in Germany who was from Ft Riley came and visited me. He gave me an awesome picture of his unit when they were in Baghdad and had the guys in the unit sign a card for us. That was so nice of him to drive all the way from Ft Riley just to give that to me. Thanks, Sgt Schroeder! I'm still working out all the details of all the things I have to change over and do since Rob passed away. I'm sure this will be an ongoing thing for awhile. I was never one for paperwork but I guess I better get used to it! Tuesday is my 30th birthday (yikes, I can't believe I'm THAT OLD!!) and my mother in law and mom have done something special for me. We're getting massages and the little girls (not Eva of course) are getting "princess" manicures. I know Julia will LOVE IT! I'm excited for the massage and I definitly could use one. After that she made reservations at a really cool restaurant for us all to go to. I remember when Rob turned 30 he thought it was the end of the world. I never understood that. Isn't 30 the new
20's?? :) Julia's doing well in school and is adjusting fairly well. She has a way of keeping things inside but I know that she misses her daddy terribly. She's made different comments that break my heart. I'm going to get both of us in to see counselors. She's at such a fragile age and I want to do all I can to make sure she is able to deal with this all in a healthy way. Eva's doing good too. However, leave it to Rob to leave me to raise the orneriest of our children by myself! That girl keeps me on my toes!! I'm so blessed to have our beautiful children. I couldn't imagine doing all of this without them. As I mentioned before, reality is slowly starting to sink in. I still catch myself setting my cell next to my bed at night thinking that he will call me. It's so hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that he is never coming home to us. I think maybe it will really hit when the rest of the guys come back from Afghanistan. I literally feel like a chunk of my heart is missing. I just thank God for all the memories I have of him and our 2 little girls. One of our friends had referred to Rob as superman. When he was in MD, our friend said that he always thought of Rob as superman and superman shouldn't be laying in bed. I completely understand what he was saying. Rob was an amazing person and gave 100% in all he did. To know that he is gone, it's almost unbelievable. However, I do know that Rob constantly worried about the safety of his soldiers. Now his soldiers have one of God's warriors watching over and protecting them.

Back in Nebraska

2008-12-13T22:55:00.002-05:00

Sorry it's been a couple of days since I last wrote. I've been EXTREMELY busy and also extremely tired!!! The Memorial Service was really nice. I have to say that the roll call they do is the absolute worst. For those of you who don't know what this is, they call out Rob's name 3 times. Of course, each time he doesn't answer. I'm not sure what the reasoning behind this is, but all the memorial services I've been to do this. It just makes it that much more real that he's gone. These past couple of days have been emotionally exhausting. The house, the service, and yesterday I got the Army Times and Rob's picture was under the section "Human Toll". Every week I got the paper, I'd always look at this to see how many soldiers were killed that week in Iraq and Afghanistan. To see Rob there, killed me. Then yesteray I spent all day with my Casualty Assistant Officer on Ft Hood going to different offices for benefit information. I was gone from 8am to 3:30pm. When I got back to the house, my friend who's a real estate agent was there and we got our house put on the market. I then had a couple of more friends stop by. Later I still had to pack up a few more things to take back with me to Nebraska. I took a bunch of Rob's t-shirts, jeans, dress shirts, and acu's. One of Rob's aunts said she would make a quilt from Rob's t-shirts and another friend said she knows someone who will make teddy bears out of his jeans, shirts, and acu's. I figure this would be great so we can still have his things near us without having to put them all in boxes or get rid of them. That's the hardest for me. Right now I can leave our house and come back to Nebraska. But when the house gets sold and I move into a new one, I have to figure out what to do with his things. I can't bear to get rid of them because it's part of HIM and there are so many memories. But I can't bear to look at them all the time either because the scab constantly gets torn off. Now that I'm back in Nebraska knowing that this will be my new reality, things are starting to set in. I MISS HIM SO MUCH. My world as I know it has turned upside down. My whole adult life I've only known the military. I've been married for 8 1/2 years with 2 small children. Rob was an amazing father and husband. He helped me so much. My family will be wonderful and will help me out with ANYTHING I need, but my best friend, husband, and father to my children is gone. And I have so many emotions running through me: sad, scared, angry, uncertain.... I just have to hold on strong to the fact that God will get us through this. I pray every night for Him to help me be the mother our girls need me to be to raise them solely on my own so they can grow up to be happy, confident, christian women. And what helps me so much is knowing how many family, friends, and perfect strangers are supporting the girls and I and giving me those words of encouragment. I know that we will never truly be alone. I thank God every night for all of you who are wrapping your arms around us. More than ever, I can't thank you enough.

Ft Hood Memorial Service

2008-12-10T22:36:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow's memorial service for Rob at Ft Hood will be at 11am at the 1st Infantry Chapel on the corner of 73rd & Battalion Ave. I know there are some of you from Hood that would like to attend and know the time. We made it safely here to TX. It was hard walking into the house. But, I feel Rob all around me. I just want to get our house sold-that will be one less stress. Hopefully I will be able to soon. I'll update again tomorrow or the next day.

Funeral

2008-12-09T22:31:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was Rob's funeral. It was beautiful. Again, the Patriot Guard showed up holding flags outside the auditorium and a bell was being rung. During the service they had a 16x20 photograph of Rob in uniform in front of a flag. I looked at it most of the service. That picture made it feel like he was right there. They played a slide show before and after the service. My friend Nancy is going to put it on here when she gets the chance so everyone can see it. She did an amazing job. Thanks, Nancy. After the service we went to the cemetary. The police were in front with the Patriot Guards on their bikes, then Rob, and then more Patriot Guards leading us to the site. It was so surreal that the 21 gun salute and presentation of the flag was for MY husband. I still can't believe he's gone. Even though I was there when he passed away, to me it feels like he's still deployed. So many people were there. It's just unbelievable the amount of support. I know that the girls and I are going to be ok because there are so many people that care. Afterwards we had a dinner and I was able to talk to some people who I hadn't seen in years who had traveled so far to say their final goodbyes to Rob. When I left the dinner, I was by myself. I drove up to his grave site. He had been buried and a flag was placed on top. Everything is so final. As much as I wish I could go back and undo the past, I can't. It's the most helpless feeling. But I know he's looking down on us and that gives me comfort. My brother called me and said that before they left town, he and his wife drove past to see Rob with their almost 4 year old daughter. She said "daddy, I see Rob flying away." Aaron said "What did you say, Megan?" "I see Uncle Rob flying away in the sky. He's with Jesus." Amazing. Later that evening, some friends of mine from Ft Hood came over to my parents. Their husbands are in Rob's unit. I swear, only fellow military wives can lift eachother up after the day we had. It ended up snowing. Well, before long one of the wives was making a snow angel and then we ended up in a full fledge snowball fight. When we were done, we sat in my parents hot tub and talked for a couple of hours. It was some much needed stress relief and I thank you for providing me that ladies. Tomorrow I leave for Ft Hood. They are doing a memorial service for Rob on Thursday and presenting the girls with a scholarship. I'm not taking the girls with me because they've been gone too much and Julia needs to get back to school. I'll be back on Saturday. It'll give me a chance to bring some more things from the house back to Nebraska.

There were several news stations that covered Rob's funeral. Here are a few links:

www.omaha.com
www.columbustelegram.com
www.journalstar.com
(I think those are right...I was doing them off the top of my head!)

So Proud

2008-12-07T23:05:00.002-05:00

I have to say: It's hard to be sad when you're so proud. Rob arrived in Nebraska around 1:30 yesterday afternoon. Rob was escorted by his Troop XO who happened to be on deployment break (R&R) when Rob passed away. I know that Rob would want Kaine to escort him and am very honored that he was able to do this. When they took the casket off the plane, it was draped in an American Flag and received by the Honor Guard. Once he was placed in the vehicle, we were escorted by a police car and several members of the Patriot Guards on their motorcycles. These guys are so amazing. It is 35 degrees and the wind is blowing like crazy and they still rode on their bikes 75 miles with American Flags waving behind them. As we left the airport, there was a line all the way out of soldiers saluting us. Once we got off the interstate and went through the towns to reach my hometown (Osceola), it was amazing. There were people lined up on the streets holding flags and signs. This was done through all the towns we went through. It's times like this that you know the majority of Americans truly love our country and our soldiers. I can't even describe the feeling I had seeing all this. I've never been prouder to be a military wife or my husband an American Soldier. Today we had his wake. Again, the amount of people who showed up for this was amazing. There were people there I've known all my life and people I had never met before. Rob had touched so many people. The walls were lined with flowers, plants, angels. It is so comforting knowing how many people care about us and will be there for the girls and I in the months and years to come. Tomorrow is going to be tough. But, Rob died doing what he loved and what he believed in and I am so proud of him. My aunt said it perfectly: There are some people who live to be 80 but never really live. Rob lived to be 31 and lived life to the fullest. And, boy, did he live. Thank you all SO MUCH for the beautiful bouquets, plants, cards, donations, words, food and everything else you've done for us. I am at a loss of words to describe how much this means to me. God bless you all.

Flowers...

2008-12-05T19:57:00.002-05:00

Hi all-

I just spoke with Dena and she wanted me to pass on her sincere thanks for all of the prayers, cards, emails, and support she has gotten over the past few days.

In addition, she told me how wonderfully overwhelmed she is by the amount of flowers that are being ordered for Rob's services. Being that there has been such a great supply already (THANK YOU SO MUCH TO ALL THOSE WHO HAVE SENT!!!), I suggested posting that information on the site so people can show their support in other ways should they so choose...

As a suggestion, if you would like an alternative way to pay tribute to Rob, please know that any monetary contributions made on the site (via paypal) from this day forward will be set aside specifically for the girls future education incidentals. I know this is something that will be very helpful to Dena in the future, and Rob would have appreciated greatly.

Thank you again for all the support- you are all amazing!

Nancy Kules
nancykules@hotmail.com

Please see Dena's post below for the most recent funeral details...

Funeral Information

2008-12-04T16:40:00.003-05:00

I just got word that Rob will be flown to Nebraska on Saturday. We will have a wake for the public on Sunday Dec 7th from 1-3pm in the Osceola Downtown City Auditorium. The funeral will be at 10am on Monday December 8th also at the Osceola Downtown City Auditorium. The address for this will be below. Also, I've got myself a PO Box while I'm at my parents for mail to be sent to me so you don't have to email me for the address. It is posted on the side of the blog. Again, thank you so much for all the support and prayers you've shown for Rob and our family.

Osceola Downtown City Auditorium
361 Central St
Osceola, NE

No news yet

2008-12-02T16:09:00.002-05:00

I know you are all very anxious to know the plans about the funeral arrangements. As of now we don't have any more details. They said it could take 5-7 days before Rob is in Nebraska. We're hoping we can get this coordinated within the next couple of days to help with travel arrangements for those of you who are wanting to attend. We're hoping the funeral will be on Sunday (7th) but we won't know for sure until we get more details. I'll let you know as soon as we do. Thank you all so much for the comments. Our families are all being wonderful support for each other and we're hanging in there.

Rob is with God now

2008-12-01T14:31:00.002-05:00

Well, today Rob went to be with the Lord. Last night his ICP's went really high and they took him for another CT scan. The scan results were devastating. So, we decided to let him go Home. He went very painlessly and quickly. I don't know when his funeral will be but it will be in Nebraska in my hometown. I will let you all know the details when I get them. Thank so all so much for the thousands of prayers you sent for my husband. We now have an angel looking over us.

Holding the Faith

2008-11-30T21:09:00.002-05:00

Well, Rob made it through the night. The dr's had said that he had a 90% chance that he may not make it during the night. You know it's scary when the crash cart is sitting in his room. But today his vitals signs and ICP's (brain pressure) held steady. You can see him moving his eyes behind his eyelids. I truly believe he can hear us so I just continue to talk to him quietly. I told him I hope he understands why I made the decision I did. If I didn't feel he was such the fighter he was, I wouldn't have done it. But Rob is amazing and has fought all the odds and I've got to hold strong that he can overcome this with God's miracles. When they suctioned his trach today he also coughed and moved his shoulders. When they cleaned out his mouth, he clenched down with his mouth (he hates getting his mouth cleaned) and I even saw him move his head and mouth. All this is good, because to me, I feel that his brain stem is working. The nurses don't like him moving much because it increases his ICP's but they only go up for a few seconds and then back down to where they want him to be. I get so scared though. It's such a balancing act with his body. He can absolutely have nothing more catastrophic happen to him--especially while his brain is still healing. I have to believe that Rob will overcome this. I prayed so hard last night during his surgery that if he was not going to have a quality of life, God please just take him home. And God got him through this surgery. I have to belive in that. I have to hold strong. I can't think about any other option because it absolutely breaks my heart. Rob is such an amazing person. He is my hero. He is our children's hero. Before I left to come to the hospital tonight, I heard Julia say her bedtime prayers. She said "God, please heal my daddy so he can wrestle with me." Oh, Lord, please hear my daughter's prayers. They come from the most innocent of children who's passion and love for her father is unwaivering. Lord, please heal my husband. Make him your miracle man. You are the Master Healer. As I kiss my little girls before I put them to bed, I pray that God will bring their daddy back to them. It's all in God's hands now. We just have to pray.

Rob made it through the surgery

2008-11-29T23:16:00.002-05:00

God is good! Rob made it through the surgery and tolerated it very well. They took off the right part of his skull. Because of the different areas of function in the brain, they went in through the front to minimize damage. The way he was positioned, they were able to see all the way to the bottom of the clot. They said when they took off the bone, his brain bulged out. Once they took the clot out, it shrank back down. However, because of the natural body reflex with all the manipulation, it started swelling again. So they finished what they had to do and closed up the brain with his skin. Because of the swelling, the dr said they did have to take "a small amount of brain off" the top to get it closed. What future reprocutions this will have, we won't know for a long while. They also had to insert a catheter to measure his intracranial pressures. They said this is very hard to do especially when the brain is swollen. The dr was able to do it without any difficulties his very first try! They said when Rob left surgery, his pressures (ICP) in his brain were 20. This is very good news. Down the road, they will replace the missing bone with a titanium plate. They took the clot to be cultured to make sure there was no infection in it but the drs feel there wasn't. They feel this clot happened due to an initial injury from the attack that had healed itself to some degree but left a hole for blood to collect. They did say if Rob did develop another clot in his brain they would not go back to surgery because they wouldn't be able to close it up again. I feel like the drs were very happy with how the surgery turned out. They are brutally honest here and the news they gave was good. Obviously we don't know Rob's outcome cognitively. However, I have faith he will be ok. As hard as it was, I prayed while he was in surgery that if Rob would not have any quality of life, then to please take him home. Rob would not want to live the rest of his life in bed. I feel that God got him through this and He will take him all the way. So we have a lot to pray for. We need to pray his pressures stay low, no more clots develop, his infections go away, his legs continue to heal appropriately, and Rob regains his cognitive status. I WILL NOT give up on my husband. He is the most amazing fighter I've ever met in my life. God has bigger and better plans for him. So, again, pray pray pray.

Pray, Pray, Pray, PRAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-11-29T19:37:00.002-05:00

A little while ago I had to make the toughest decision of my life. They found a huge blood clot in the main part of Rob's brain. I could either let it be and let him die a peaceful death or I could choose to do an emergency craniotomy on him. However, he has a huge chance of dying on the operating table and if he makes it, he has a huge chance of no quality of life. Rob told me specifically that he does not want to be a vegetable. However, I cannot believe that God got him this far to let him die now or let him live the rest of his life as a vegetable. The neuro dr said that the majority of the outcomes are not good but he has seen some cases where the person made it through fine. He said we may not know how much damage he's suffered for a year or more. After talking it over with his parents and my mom, we felt that we had to give Rob a fighting chance. I decided to have them do the craniotomy. I mean the odds were not good for him to have survived the IED but he did. So he will survive this and he will be cognitively ok. That's what I've got to have faith in. God is working through the dr's. He knows that Rob has 2 little girls that need him very very much. So all I can ask for right now are more prayers than you've ever prayed before.

Please say prayers

2008-11-29T15:44:00.002-05:00

Mom just got back from seeing Rob and she said they are taking him for a CT scan of his head. When I was in there earlier today he was sleeping. His pulse was a lot lower then it had been. It was around 55-60 (which is good). Normally it is 120 or so. Anyways, Julia was also there. At one point his blood pressure got really high and his heartrate stayed low. Then his bp went down. Anyways, when mom was with him he was still sleeping. The dr came in to check is pupils and one of them was not reacting like it had. That's why they are taking him. PLEASE PLEASE PRAY. I'm really worried and am just praying this was a fluke thing. I will update when I know more.

Restful day

2008-11-28T21:26:00.002-05:00

I'd have to say Rob had a pretty good day. He had surgery this morning. They did some more washouts on his legs. The right leg looks really good. The left leg had to be opened so they could take off some dead muscle tissue. They said it was not much though and was only a small step back. They will leave that leg open and hooked up to a wound vac until his next surgery on Monday. Then occupational and physical therapy worked with him. They said he has tone in his left arm instead of being flacid like it was a week or so ago. His right arm also has tone but it has what they call clonus. This means that there is a miscommunication between the spinal cord and brain causing the arm to "shake" a little as it is being brought down from being lifted up. He also did some more eye commands for them. He opened his eyes to his name. He was also told to close his eyes tight after they counted to 3 and hold them closed. He did this. However, he didn't do some of the other commands they asked like wrinkle his nose, raise his eyebrows, and follow fingers. So they are trying to work on more consistant responses. I asked them if they thought he was behind or where they expect him to be at this point. Right now they feel that with all the trauma his body has gone through that he is where they expect him to be. They said it will be day by day and the more they work with him, the better idea they will have. After the OT/PT, Rob was pretty exhausted and slept most of the afternoon. I came in and watched the Nebraska football game with him later this afternoon. He watched awhile of it and then would fall asleep for a few minutes. Then he fell into a deep sleep. This was right before Julia came in to see him. She did really well today. She was even holding his hand. I wish he had been awake to see this. Then Arnold Shwartzenegger (I have no idea how to spell that!!) came in. Poor Rob. I tried to wake him up but he was OUT!! So, he was out when President Bush came by and he was sleeping when The Terminator stopped by! I didn't know he was coming so I didn't have my camera but I at least got an autograph so Rob could see it when he wakes up. After he left I continued to watch the football game until visiting hours ended for change of shift. Rob was still sleeping quite soundly. He looked really comfortable and relaxed. He really needed that. They put the cooling blanket back on him this afternoon. His white blood cell count had come down which is really good and they didn't want his body working too hard so they put it on him. I think he felt a lot better. His heartrate and respirations weren't so high and you could tell he was having a good rest. So, I came back to the Fisher House and finished watching the game. Man, I hope Rob woke up to see the end of it because it was SO GOOD!!! We ended up winning at the very end. My brother had taped it so I'm sure Rob will like to watch it when he feels up to it. You know Rob's tired when he falls asleep to a nail-biting Nebraska game! :) Oh, and there is not an Alltel store in the state of Maryland (who knew?). I ended up calling them and having them overnight me a new phone (which the overnight will actually be Monday because of the holiday!). I lost all my phone contacts. Of course my phone had to break NOW!! *sigh* So, is life! :) Hopefully I can get most of the phone numbers again!

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T18:41:00.002-05:00

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving with your family. We had a nice dinner at the Fisher House. A family provided us with a wonderful meal. This morning I was told that Rob was opening his mouth some. That's really great because he hasn't done that yet. The other day they loosened the rubberbands in his mouth so he would be able to do this. He didn't do it for me while I was there today but I'm excited he's made this little step. Even if he was able to, he wouldn't be able to speak right now. He has a trach in his neck. Eventually they'll switch it out and put in a different one that has a cap to put on so he can speak. But, he's not there yet. He's still not doing many commands. Right now I think he feels really yucky and doesn't want to do anything. I feel that since he's gotten this fever his progress with his commands has been put on hold. I don't want to push him too much right now. I know when I'm sick, the last thing I want is to have someone in my face telling me to do this or that. But in the next day or so I'm going to start working on it again. I don't want him to get too lazy! :) Rob's still fighting some fevers. They have been able to somewhat control them with icepacks and Tylenol. They took a bunch of cultures of his different fluids and we should get those results within the next 24 hours or so. Some good news is his bili count is down to 2.8!! That's so great. So here is the perfect example of baby steps forward, baby steps back, etc. Julia saw Rob again today and she did great. He looked at her the entire time. I know that it was so great for the both of them! Tomorrow is another surgery for washouts. Hopefully the legs still look good. Unfortunately my cell phone bit the dust today (well, I can still call out and receive calls but the screen is completely dead). So, of all days, I have to go out TOMORROW to buy a new cell phone!!! I'm going to try to do this while Rob is at surgery. Wish me luck. Hopefully I won't get run over by all the crowds out and about!!! I'm excited that the Nebraska football game is on TV tomorrow. I'm going to put it on for Rob and we'll watch it together. He hasn't been able to see a game since last season so hopefully that will boost his spirits some. I'm hoping he feels better tomorrow so he can enjoy it.

Fluid in the lung

2008-11-26T22:10:00.003-05:00

Today Rob had another surgery to look at his legs. Well, I got a call early this morning from one of the general doctors. They said that they did a CT scan on Rob's lungs and legs yesterday. They called and told me they found fluid on his left lung and a small amount on his right leg. They were going to put a chest tube in during the surgery. Yesterday Rob's ventilator setting was set to supportive which means Rob was breathing on his own and the ventilator was set up just to support him if needed. By late that night, he was having difficulty breathing. His temp, respirations, and heartrate was up. After the surgery they called me. They said they were really happy with how his legs looked. They said they were healing really well and there was only a small amount of fluid in the right leg that they took out. There was a small spot on the left leg they had to open and left open until his next surgery on Friday. However they feel that didn't set them back any with his progress on the legs. They told me that they got out almost 1 liter of fluid from his left lung. They still have him on the chest tube and will see how much they get out of it in the next couple of days before they decide to pull it. Today when I saw him he was still running a fever and his respirations and heartrate was still increased. Hopefully these will go down soon. He did seem to be breathing easier. I didn't have Julia see Rob today because I knew he didn't feel good. I'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day for him and she can see him then. Thanksgiving definetly brings on a new meaning for me this year. I'm so thankful that Rob is here with us. I'm thankful that I get to spend Thanksgiving with our girls. Thanksgiving is one of Rob's favorite holidays (July 4th is the other). I feel so bad that he is laying in a hospital bed not able to enjoy it. However, I told him tonight that last year Thanksgiving was not good for me because a few weeks before I had just gotten diagnosed with gestational diabetes and couldn't eat anything and this year he can't eat anything but next year we will have the BEST thanksgiving together with our girls PIGGING OUT!!! I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your family and friends. Please keep the prayers coming because he really needs them. We also need to keep praying for all the men and women out there fighting the fight. May God bring them home safely.

4 weeks ago....

2008-11-25T21:52:00.002-05:00

Wow. It's hard to believe it was 4 weeks ago today that the attack happened. The days have just blended into eachother. Steps forward. Steps back. Fear, excitement, anxiety, happiness, tears. So many emotions. On this rollercoaster ride of recovery and emotions is easy to lose sight of the fact that it's ONLY BEEN 4 WEEKS. Today Rob had Occupational Therapy. They said he was pretty tired today. They want to work more on consistancy of eye commands and getting him to shrug his shoulders, squeeze fingers, and track fingers. They said they might try to start planning it so that I am in the room when they do the therapy since I am able to get him to do more things. Also this will help so I know what I can do to help him too. Then this afternoon I got to go to the airport and pick up OUR GIRLS!!!!!! I was SO HAPPY to see them. As soon as Julia saw me, she ran to me and gave me a big hug and kiss. And Eva remembered that I was her momma! It is so great having them here. Julia saw also got to see Rob tonight. At first she was a little scared when we first walked into the ICU. But I talked to her and explained things and she went and stood outside his room. Rob heard her and looked out into the hall so he could see her. At first she didn't say much but it didn't take long and she was gowning up and went into the room. She looked at all the pictures and letters in his room and before long she was talking to Rob. One of the first things she said was "Wow. He has hair! When he left he was bald!!" She's already talking about how she can't wait to see him tomorrow. I think tomorrow will be better for Rob too. I think he felt bad that Julia was scared of him at first. So, hopefully, when he sees how she is tomorrow, it will make a big difference for him. She didn't stay long because it makes the nurses nervous having children there because they worry they will get sick. Then I came back and saw him tonight after I got the girls in bed. They had taken off the cooling blanket because they want his body to start fighting the infection on its own without the aid of the blanket. I could tell he felt absolutely miserable. He was running a 101 fever. They put ice packs between his arms and groin and gave him Tylenol. Poor guy. My heart justs breaks for him. Tomorrow he has another washout surgery. Hopefully this will help get some of those bugs out of there. Please continue to pray. He's not out of the woods yet. Everyday is such a balancing act and it's easy to think he's doing so great but he's still really sick. Yes, he has come so far, but like we've said before: this is a marathon, not a sprint.

No skin grafts today

2008-11-24T19:24:00.002-05:00

Well, Rob did not get skin grafts today. I guess the plastic surgeon wants to wait until his bili is down more because he's afraid that they won't take otherwise. So, instead they did some more washouts and did a "purse cinch" method on the fasciotomies for now. What they do is thread the tissue and cinch it up to make it smaller. They will do this little by little so when they do skin graft it, they won't have to do as much. They also said his legs are looking really good. They said the other day, the color around one of them looked a little off but today has pinked up. I'm not sure when his next surgery will be. Also when I was with Rob, the ortho dr came in the room and we were talking. The chaplain was also there. The dr asked if Rob was squeezing hands. I explained to him that only a little but sometimes it's pretty hard-esp when he's shivering. I told him that Rob was doing eye commands for me. The dr asked if I could get him to close his eyes for me because he hadn't seen it. So, I told Rob the dr wanted him to close his eyes tight for a few seconds and he did it!!! :) The dr said that was definetly him doing it. The nurse also told me that Rob's body is doing things that for some people it takes months to do. That's very encouraging. We'll get there. Slowly but surely. The girls will be here tomorrow!! YEAHHH!!! Can you tell I'm excited! :) Also, I know many of you have asked: my family members who were in the car accident are doing pretty good. My one aunt who was hurt the worst broke 2 cervical vertebraes, collarbone, and 3 ribs. She is able to move her extremities and had to be put in a halo for a few months. This will be a long road for her too. So, please keep them in your prayers. The accident could have been so much worse and we are truly blessed that they are all alive.

Bili going down, down, down!!

2008-11-23T22:27:00.002-05:00

Today there is not alot to report. So, let me give you some updates on his labs. The GREAT news is his bili is now 8.9!! :) A little less than 2 weeks ago it was as high as 32! So, his liver is doing what it needs to do. YEAH PRAYERS!!! His other labs are holding steady. His white blood cell count did go up slightly to 20. The nurse said this is to be expected with his fungal infection and the surgeries he has. He feels that the antibiotics he's on will work but it will take awhile. So let's keep praying that the antibiotics will zap the infections!!!! Rob's been holding steady too. He's been able to tell me the last 2 nights with a blink of his eyes that he is pain so I've been able to notify the nurse so they can increase his pain meds. I'm so glad he can do this now so we aren't just guessing. Hopefully tomorrow's surgery will go smoothly and they are able to get done what they want to do. So, that's another thing to put on the prayer list! Rob's nurses have been doing range of motions on him, which DOES NOT make him happy. But, unfortunately, he's going to have to go through some pain now so that in the long run, he doesn't have any problems. I'm super excited because Tuesday the girls are coming. It will have been almost 4 weeks since I last saw them!!! Unfortunately the time will go by WAY TOO FAST, but they will be back over Christmas break. It's been so hard being away from them. I wish I could forsee a time when they will be with us for good, but unfortunately, I have no idea when that will be. There's just no way I can have them here now. I know that where they are at is the best place for them. They have adjusted really well and are doing great. Barb and my mom have been wonderful for me. Like the great moms they are, they are making sure I'm eating and sleeping. Although at times, I have to admit it's a tough decision which I'd rather do more: eat or sleep!!! I've noticed I've been really tired lately. But, I'm taking advantage of them being here to keep Rob company now because it won't be long when it will just be Rob and I and I will have to make sure I'm well rested!!! I will let you know how the surgery goes tomorrow. He's supposed to be the first case and I'm not sure how long the surgery will take. Thanks again for all the thousands of prayers. We need them!!

Cooling blanket back on... :(

2008-11-22T21:33:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to give an update. Tonight while I was with Rob, his temp went up to 101 so they had to put the cooling blanket back on. I felt so bad for him because it's such a pain (literally) to get it on. They have to roll him back and forth and I know it hurt him. The nurse was very kind though and gave him a big shot of pain medicine before.

Cooling blanket off!

2008-11-22T19:53:00.004-05:00

Well, one of the good things that happened today is that Rob was able to get his cooling blanket off. His temps have remained stable the past couple of days. It was a vest that was worn around his back and stomach that's he's had since he got here almost 3 weeks ago!! I'm sure it feels great to him without it on. The bad news is he has a fungal infection in his blood. This infection can be EXTREMELY bad. However, since his kidney funtions are back to normal, they are able to give him a really potent dose of antibiotics to help get it cleared up. So, we need LOTS of prayers for this. His white blood cell count is elevated but the doctor thinks it could be from the surgeries since his temps have been ok. It's hard to tell with all the surgeries he's having. So, hopefully these surgeries will end soon!! Rob's been pretty grumpy today. He absolutely hates having other people caring for him. He's always been the type of person who's been extremely self sufficient. I just keep telling him this is only temporary and he'll be able to do his own things soon. I think the most frustrating part of his recovery will be how slow of a process it will be. But, I explained to him that in the whole aspect of our life, this is only a nano-second. It was cute because today the moms made me leave his room to get lunch. Rob, saw me outside his room talking to the nurse before I left and he was NOT HAPPY that I was leaving. The nurse said "Look. He's even pouting his lips!" So, I reassured Rob that as soon as I finished eating, I'd be RIGHT BACK! :) I have to say, it made me feel pretty good. Anyways, Monday is another surgery for his skin grafts. Let's also pray that this goes well and they can get it all done Monday.

Second leg down!!

2008-11-21T18:03:00.003-05:00

Today Rob went to surgery bright and early. While he was in surgery, Nebraska Congressman Adrian Smith came and saw us. It was great visiting with him. After he left, Col Wesley came. Col Wesley is an amazing person. He was Rob's old Battalion Commander when Rob deployed out of Ft Riley to Iraq from 2005-2006. Rob has the upmost respect for him. It was so WONDERFUL seeing him and spending time with him. I know it will mean so much to Rob. We got word around 2:30 that Rob was out of surgery. The surgery went REALLY well. They only had to take a tiny amount of bone from Rob's right leg to close it up so he still has his knee. This is HUGE for the prosthetics!!!! We're so excited. They also closed up some more on his left leg. On Monday they will skin graft the areas on his thigh that are still open from the fasciotomies. He received 4 liters of fluid and 2 units of blood. They informed us that he was EXTREMELY swollen, but I didn't realize that they REALLY MEANT EXTREMELY SWOLLEN!!! He looked like the Michelin Man. Poor guy. The sclera of his eyes were even swollen. He could hardly blink. I think he was so swollen today because he was still a little swollen from Wednesday's surgery and between that and the fluids he received today, it really caught up with him. But, after a day or so, it goes down. You could tell he was exhausted so we saw him for a few minutes and let him sleep. We will be back tonight. His sister, Jenny, flew in last night so that was nice seeing him with his eyes open. Last time she was here, he was still unconscious. Hopefully, he'll be back to his normal face by the time she leaves so she can really see how much progress he's made. As I was reading the comments, I noticed someone was concerned about what type of bed he has to prevent bed sores. He has wonderful beds. In fact, Rob gets quite annoyed with them at times. You can tell that he absolutely hates the "pulmonary exercises" he receives from it. It makes the bed shake so that his lungs don't get pneumonia. One day Barb and I couldn't help but giggle because Rob was perfectly fine and then that bed started up and he immediately got the "grumpy Rob face." But we tell him it's for his own good. The last thing he needs is a bad case of pneumonia!!! He also gets rotated back and forth on the bed-which also annoys him. It's like when you're riding in a car and fall asleep and your head falls forward and you wake up suddenly. Well, Rob will just have fallen asleep, and his bed turns him on his side, and it jerks him awake. Poor guy. You just can't sleep in a hospital!! His bed also inflates and deflates air so it's constantly taking pressure off his pressure points. Obviously, you can't 100% prevent bed sores but they're being as careful as they can and doing all they can do prevent these. He's also starting PT-I believe within the next couple of days. Someone else has mentioned the wonderful work the Fisher Homes have done for the military! YES YES YES!!! Mr and Mrs Fisher were wonderful people. I don't know what we and so many others in our situations would do without them. If you have time, you should google them and see all the wonderful things they have done. So, again a good day. Obviously Rob was not as responsive but that's to be expected coming out of a 6 hour surgery. We'll just keep praying and praying and praying........

Chuggin right along

2008-11-20T22:26:00.003-05:00

Well, today started off has a hard one for me. I was feeling really down and emotional. I went to the hospital to see Rob and brought my laptop. I had downloaded a bunch of songs that reminded me of him and I. I also had a slide show playing with all our pictures. I put it on the bedside table in front of him and turned it on. When the songs started playing, tears began to trickle down his cheeks. He never took his eyes off of me. I couldn't help but cry too. You're mourning the past, present, and unknown of the future. I've never loved my husband more than I did at that exact moment. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind or heart that we will get through this-together. Today Rob was a lot more "aware". He's tracking people in the room. When someone comes in, he looks at them. I think the tracking of the fingers is really hard for him right now because it takes a lot of concentration and he is so tired and, I'm sure, has a pounding headache. When I tell him to look at me, he will. The nurse told me that instead of trying to get him to squeeze my fingers (because this could just be a reflex), to try to get him to do a thumbs up. I asked him to do this and at times you could see he was trying by stiffening up his arm and lifting his whole arm slightly. Tonight he had to get a heparin shot in his stomach to help prevent clots. This is only a small needle but the heparin burns some as it goes in. I was holding his hand and when he got it, he squeezed by hand really hard and lifted up his arm slightly. The doctor came by and said that he is REALLY happy with how Rob is doing. He said today is the first time that Rob has responded to commands from him. He would ask him to open and close his eyes on command and Rob followed all of them! He also said his kidneys are doing what they need to do, his bili continues to go down, his electrolytes (calcium, sodium, etc) are doing much better and today is the first time since this attack happened that Rob went 24 hours without receiving blood because his blood counts have been stable. They also said as of now, the left leg where they closed it looks good. He asked me if I thought I could get him to respond with a one blink for yes and two blink for no to see if he was in pain. With the dr there, I asked Rob if he was in pain and if he was to blink once and twice if not. Rob very intentionally blinked once!!!! The dr said that he had no doubt Rob responded to that command. So, they are going to increase his pain meds some but continue to ask Rob so they can keep him comfortable but not too sedated. I was also telling the dr how Rob moved his arm when I was trying to get him to give me a thumbs up. He said that is how the body works. The bigger muscles will respond before the fine motor muscles. He feels Rob is on the right path. I am SOOO excited!!!!! Also, as I was getting ready to leave Rob tonight, they were taking him to change out his feeding tube so that he can get that nasogastric tube out of his nose! YEAH, no more tubes in the nose. :) So, please continue to pray for this continued progress and for his surgery tomorrow. When they close the legs, they have to take some bone off so that they can get the skin around to cover it. Let's pray that they don't have to take too much bone and he can still keep most of his below the knee. GOD IS GOOD. ALL THE PRAYER WARRIORS ARE OUT IN FULL FORCE!!!!

One leg down!

2008-11-19T18:07:00.002-05:00

This morning they took Rob to surgery at 8. They anticipated the surgery lasting around 4-6 hours. So, while Rob was in surgery, our friend Ryan took me out to lunch. It was a nice getaway and we had a good talk. Thanks, Ryan!! My mom and Barb also went out to lunch with our friend Diana. Thanks, Diana! Later, General Brown came and visited with us. He is a friend of the parents of some really good friends of Rob's and mine. It was so nice talking to him and helped pass the time while we waited. We got word around 4:30 that Rob was finally out of surgery and back in his room. The doctor said they were able to close his left leg amputation. They are going to take him back to surgery on Friday to do the right leg. I was surprised they did the left leg first since it was the hardest. But he said they wanted to do the hardest one first. They said they have to keep a close eye on it so it does not show signs of infection. If it does show signs of infection, then they will have to open that leg back up on Friday. So lets pray everything heals accordingly! They didn't close the fasciotomy (that's a slit in his thigh that was made in Afghanistan to let all the pressure out) on his left thigh. It's hooked up to wound vacs. This will need skin grafts. I think they may try to do this also on Friday. So, like I said, on Friday they're hoping to close his right leg amputation and also close the fasciotomy on his left outer thigh and right inner thigh using skin grafts. The good news is that his body tolerated the 8 hour surgery well so that he can go back for this other long surgery on Friday. (WHEW! Friday's going to be a busy day for him!) He did receive 4 units of blood and 6 liters of fluid so he was pretty swollen afterwards. When I saw him, he opened his eyes a couple of times but he's pretty exhausted. We didn't stay long so that he could sleep and we'll come back tonight. So, here's what we need to really pray for: his liver, no infections, and his brain. We all know the power of prayer is doing miraculous things!!!!! Also, I keep forgetting to ask this: To all fellow Rangers out there-if any of you are close to a store that has Ranger things and you're wondering what you can send Rob, can you please pick him something up? In the rush to pack and leave our house, I forgot to pack his Ranger t-shirt. I know he'd love any Ranger stuff. Thanks so much!!! You can just send it to the address listed on the right of the blog and I'll make sure he gets it.

Little by little

2008-11-18T19:01:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow the doctors are taking Rob back to surgery. However, this time they are planning on trying to close up his leg wounds on both legs!! From what I understand, they are also going to try to close the area on the side of his left thigh where they had to do a fasciotomy. They will do this by taking a thin layer of Rob's skin from a different area of his body (probably somewhere on his thigh), mesh it, and apply it to the area to make a skin graft. Like I mentioned before, it would be so great if they are able to close up the wounds because it would decrease infection and all the surgeries Rob has to go through. Also, the dr told us that for some "unknown reason" Rob's bilirubin count has come down (meaning his jaundice is getting better). Mom, Barb, and I all said at the same time: "We know why-the power of prayer!" We've all been praying for his liver to start working properly and it looks like it's starting to do that. Last week his bili count was 32 and today it was 20. The normal count is less than 2, but we're going in the right direction!!! Little by little, right? Let's just keep praying for this to continue!!! Today in the room with Rob, you can tell he is trying SO HARD. He's just so exhausted he can hardly keep his eyes open. But, if he starts to close his eyes and you say "Rob!", he'll open them again. Obviously I don't do this a lot b/c I want him to sleep, but sometimes it's good so that he can work on staying awake a little longer each time. The exciting thing is that today I was able to actually get him to track my finger. He was able to track it to one side before he fell asleep again. It just took a lot of work getting him to focus on my finger and then track it. But I was so happy that he did. Of course only Barb and I saw this. The staff is never around when Rob does things for us. But, we know Rob and we know he'll start doing this more in time. Again, little by little. On another note, my mom and Barb have decided they can take up new jobs here at the hospital. Barb as the head of housekeeping and mom as the cook. Barb runs around following all the workers making sure everything is "up to standard". The vacuum guy has even started finding her to show her that he is vacuuming. I'm sure for those who know Barb, this comes as no surprise. Rob definetly got his OCD with cleanliness from her!! My mom has been making her awesome cinnamon rolls and passing them around to all the hospital staff. Pan after pan. Once she gets going, there's no stopping her. For those who know my mom, this also comes as no surprise. There's nothing like having my mom here to make sure I'm eating and my mother in law to make sure my floors and clothes are clean!! Boy, I'm going to really miss them when they're gone! Rob and I are definetly getting the TLC we both need!!

Another surgery update

2008-11-17T18:06:00.002-05:00

Rob is out of surgery. Everything went well. They cleaned his leg wounds and debrised some dead tissue/skin from his legs. Before the surgery, there was talk of putting the wound vacs back on but they decided not to do it and continue with the wet to dry dressing changes for now. The plan for Wednesday is to take him back to surgery and try to close some of the skin around his right leg. That would be great if they can do this. Anytime they can close wounds it decreases the risk of infection. Unfortunately he did have to receive another 2 units of blood during surgery. The doctor said his body isn't doing a great job of clotting off the blood so it's unrealistic for him not to lose any during the surgery. I just continue to pray that the transfusions will decrease so that his liver can start working appropriately. I felt so bad for Rob today because they have him on a cooling blanket to keep his fevers down. Well, today, he was shivering like crazy. For those of you who know Rob, you know he HATES the cold!! If there was any thought he was in hell, I'm sure he nixed that idea because it's too darn cold!!! :) Anyways, he would squeeze our hands a few times but it's hard to say if that was a cognitive thing or just a reaction from the shivering. However, we've decided that he's playing possum with the doctors. He won't open his eyes or squeeze their hands when they ask him too! So, I had a little "discussion" with him. I told him that the doctors don't believe me when I tell them you're doing it for me and that his tubes won't come out until he does it for them when they ask. So, I asked him to squeeze my hand. He didn't. So, I said "Rob, remember what I said about not playing possum?" Ever so lightly, he squeezed my hand. Again, not sure if he intentionally did this but I'd like to think my little talk with him helped. :) Also, the nurse had to draw blood from his arm. Normally they can do this with the arterial line they have placed but the doctors needed a culture directly out of his vein. So, the nurse explained to him that she was going to have to poke him with a needle. By gum, he moved his arm up slightly like he was saying "Don't even think about it." AHHH, gotta love my husband. He's definitely in there, stubborn as ever. Again, I want to thank each and every one of you for all the prayers, comments, cards, mail, gifts, etc that we have received. I know there is no way I could personally write a thank you card to each of you (almost 30,000 reading......) but please know it is all deeply appreciated!!!!!

Further update

2008-11-16T16:52:00.002-05:00

Ok, first of all I want everyone to know that I got word that my aunts and uncles will be fine. A few of them have several broken bones but they will all be ok. GOD IS GOOD!!!!! Thank you for the prayers. Also, I just got back from being with Rob. The dr said that when they did the scope, they did not find any blockages. The gall stone is still there but it is not what's causing the problem. She feels that, again, it's from all the blood Rob has received and his liver is just trying to adjust to it. She said at this time there is no permanent damage to the liver, it's just slow. She also said they did a full body CT scan on him. He has no active bleeding. His head CT also showed no active bleeding or new spots and the swelling has decreased. She feels that of course they want to keep Rob medicated so he isn't having pain but that alot of that medicine along with the old sedation medicine is "sitting" in the liver making him more tired and sedated. She feels that once the liver kicks in and starts metabolizing all these meds out that we might start seeing Rob respond more. That's really good news. The dr's are so careful not to give false hope but at least she's being optimistic!! I showed Rob pictures of the girls and today it looked like he was looking back and forth at each of them in the picture. Every little thing counts!!!!

WE NEED MORE PRAYERS!!!!

2008-11-16T12:25:00.002-05:00

First of all, Rob is out of surgery. We have not got a chance to see him yet because they are currently doing a CT scan on him. So, I don't have any updates on him yet. However, this morning when we were waiting in the waiting room, my mom got a terrible phone call. My 2 uncles and their wives were in a horrible car accident this morning in Kansas City. One of my uncles was ejected and my 2 aunts are still unconscious. PLEASE PLEASE PRAY FOR THEM!!!! I asked mom if God was testing us. She said it isn't God-it's the devil. In a time like this all you can do is pray, but your faith sure gets shaken. How much more can one person take? God is the the miraculous HEALER and I just have to know that Rob and them are in His hands.

Another quick update

2008-11-15T21:24:00.003-05:00

I just got back from being with Rob. The dr told me that they found a stone in his gall bladder. He says the stone was not there when they had opened him up and looked at it before but with all the blood he's received, it's not uncommon for him to get a stone. Anyways, they also noticed some inflammation from the tubes coming off the liver. This could be from the stone putting pressure on it. So, tomorrow they are going to do a scope on him and try to get all the "back junk" out of the liver. This will help with his jaundice, urine, and platelets. They will do this by either making a slit in the muscle for it to drain or by putting in a stent. At this point they are not worried about taking the stone out of the gallbladder. He said later on when Rob is able if he wants to have an elective gallbladder removal, that's fine but this is not the time for it now! So please pray that they will be able to clear that up tomorrow morning when they do the scope. THANKS!!!

Another Day Down

2008-11-15T18:43:00.002-05:00

Well, I don't really have much to report today. The doctor said that Rob's body has pretty much "optimized"-meaning everything is going pretty well. The only thing that is not quite right is his liver. He is still pretty jaundice. They did an ultrasound of his gallbladder and liver to make sure there wasn't a block somewhere. They've seen the inside of Rob's stomach and said the ducts do not look blocked to them, but they wanted to do an ultrasound to double check. They're thinking that it's probably from all the blood he's received. To date, he's had 140+ units of blood. That's approximately 14 adults supply of blood. His left leg was also pretty weapy but the ortho dr's looked at it and were able to stop it by applying nitrate to it. The doctor said that now the only thing Rob needs to do is "wake up". Yes, his eyes are open, but he needs to respond to commands. Rob had his eyes open today and I could tell that he was really torked. I would be talking to him and if he didn't like what I had to say, he'd look away and refuse to look at me. I know this has to be extremely scary for him. Everytime we're in the room, we explain that all the tubes are just temporary. That one day we will be on the boat wakeboarding again. My heart breaks for him because I know Rob and I know that he absolutely hates being in the bed like this. So, the cheerleader in me kept telling him that he WILL be fine and he just has to keep working on responding to commands. He is a fighter--he is a RANGER. I told him that he finished Ranger school when he didn't think he could go on anymore, and he can use that fight in him to get through this. I told him that he has 2 little girls that are waiting to have daddy back and that we will be able to continue all our future plans (like buying an RV and following the girls around when they go to college so that we can keep them in our view at ALL times!!) At times, I've just got to use humor. Because if I don't laugh, I'll cry. I absolutely don't take for granted the baby steps Rob is making. Because if you look back to 2 1/2 weeks ago to where he is now, it's remarkable. Patience just was never my virtue. So, I continue to pray and pray and PRAY. God has a perfect plan and I just have to have FAITH that he WILL bring OUR ROB back to us. So, I'm on my way to go see Rob again tonight. One more day done and closer to complete recovery.

A good day

2008-11-14T18:22:00.002-05:00

Today was a really good day. Barb took the early morning shift and went and saw Rob. When she got back, she said that Rob was looking at her and tracking her. I was so excited to hear this. I ran over and saw him and I couldn't believe it. He actually LOOKED INTO MY EYES!!!! I could feel that he was actually THERE. His eye movements are still slow. So, if I would move away from him, he didn't track me but he would close his eyes and when he opened them, he'd adjusted them to be looking at me again! He was awake most of the morning. His eyes were also fully open versus only half open yesterday. I could tell that he was tired but he just kept looking at me. I was holding his hand and he'd start falling asleep. I would move my hand to readjust and he would open his eyes and look at me to make sure I was still there. It absolutely melted my heart. I kept telling him how much I love him and that everything is going to be alright. I explained to him that he had a tube in his throat and nose but that was all temporary and not to be afraid. I also explained to him again that all his soldiers are good and nobody else was hurt. I showed him a picture of the girls and he would look at it for a while and then look away. It's hard for me to know how close to hold the picture and I'm not sure if he was able to see it well. He even tried to readjust his head as if trying to make it more comfortable. When I came back after lunch, he was pretty tired and slept most of the afternoon. I just sat in his room, held his hand, and read a book. When he would wake up, I talked to him some more and played the videos of the girls again for him. But he was so tired and was having trouble staying awake. I told him that I would be right here and just sleep. Again, I saw him readjust his head and he even moved his shoulders around. I'm sure his body is also sore from laying in bed so long so I tried to massage his shoulders, arms and fingers. I would scratch lightly on his arms. I gave him goosebumps so I'm sure it felt good to him! :) Then the nurse needed to check his pupils with a pen light. He asked Rob to open his eyes. He didn't. So I said "Rob, can you please open your eyes? The nurse needs to check your pupils." So, he opened them!!! You could tell he absolutely hated the light shining in his eyes and was trying to close his eyelids tight. The nurse said that a few days ago his pupils were pretty sluggish in reacting but that they are reacting great now. He still isn't squeezing my hands on command but in time I feel this will happen. His body and brain have gone through so much and for him to be responding like this, I feel it's pretty positive. I mean yesterday I was so disheartened because he had an empty blank stare and today he's looking into my eyes! I know that this whole experience will bring many rollercoaster days but I'm so glad today was a good one! On another note, his legs are still weaping some but so far they have been able to reinforce them. I just keep praying that they'll hold their own so he won't have to go back to surgery until Monday. Also, I forgot to mention yesterday that they removed most of the rubberbands on his teeth. He still has one on each side of the mouth but from what the nurse told me, these are moveable bands so once he's able, he'll be able to talk with them. Just continue to pray that Rob continues to move in a positive direction. Every little step is a leap into our future!! Again, thanks for all the comments. I read every one of them, sometimes more than once. It is so therapeutic for me and means more than you'll ever know. I look forward to the day when Rob will be reading them himself.

Unexpected surgery

2008-11-13T22:04:00.004-05:00

This morning I was getting ready to go to the hospital to see Rob when I got a phone call from ICU. They said that Rob had had quite a bit of bleeding from his lower extremities and they were taking him to emergency surgery. I gave my consent for surgery over the phone so they could take him right away. When he was out, I went over to see him. I guess what happened is last night around 11pm, the night nurse noticed a small amount of bleeding from his right leg. She called the dr and they reinforced the dressing. Then this morning, they noticed more bleeding from that leg. All of a sudden, his blood pressure started to drop really low. They looked at his left leg and he had a large amount of blood coming from it. They suctioned out the blood and gave him some fluids to replace the volume he lost. He also received 2 units of blood. He lost a total of about 600ml's of blood. At first they were concerned he had an arterial bleed but when they got back to surgery they decided that it was from the wound vacuums. Apparently, the vacuums weren't strong enough to support the amount of wound he has. So they took him off the vacuums and hooked him up to a different kind. The nice thing about the first vacuums is that it is very good about preventing infections. So, they will be monitoring him very closely for any signs of infections. Hopefully if all goes well with the wounds, he won't have to return to surgery until Monday. That would be a nice break. The dr told me that prior to this last surgery, he is really happy with the progress Rob is making. Even after the surgery, he was alot more awake today. He's still off his sedation medicine and had his eyes open quite a bit. However, he still has a blank stare. I just pray that this is part of the healing process and he will become more responsive and alert in time. The night nurse told me that when she worked last night and was giving him a bath, he had his eyes open the entire time-approximately 20 minutes. She talked to him the entire time and showed him pictures of Julia and Eva that are on the door. The nursing staff has been really great and I know they really care about him. Please, please keep praying. I've been told that this waiting period is the hardest. I believe it. The unknown is so scary.

Another surgery down

2008-11-12T21:44:00.003-05:00

Today was a pretty good day for Rob. This morning before surgery, Barb and Otto were in with Rob and they told me that Rob opened his eyes for a few seconds for them a couple of times. When I was in the room he barely opened them and then closed them again. Then the neuro dr came in and evaluated him. He did a few tests and was really optimistic about the results. Rob still isn't opening his eyes to commands but when the dr opened them for him and turned his head from side to side, his eyes would move back to the center. They weren't fixed in one position which is really good. He also shined a light in his eyes and his pupils reacted appropriately. At one point, it looked like his eyes followed the light off to the side but when he tried it on the other side, he didn't do it. So it's hard to say if that was just a fluke or if he did it purposefully. Also when he touched his corneas with the tip of a q-tip, he blinked his eyes which shows he has a corneal reflex. The dr did tell me he has another test he could do to evaluate more of the brainstem activity but it could cause some pain on Rob. He would put ice cold water down his ears and he should have a reflex to it. However, the dr said it is an optional test and he feels he would pass it so it was completely up to me if I wanted him to do this test. I opted not to. I don't want to cause anymore pain on Rob and he's reacting well to the other tests. While Rob was at surgery, mom, Barb, a friend of Barb's (Diana) and I were invited to the Fisher House at Andrews AirForce Base for a tea. Rob and I stayed there a couple times last year when I was having procedures done at Walter Reed. We got to know the ladies that work there really well and have kept in touch with them. The niece of the Fishers was there so they invited us to meet them. We had a nice time seeing the ladies again and meeting some other nice people. It was good to get away and get our minds off of things for awhile. When we got back, we got a call that Rob was out of surgery. The surgery went extremely well. They washed his wounds but I noticed they did not place the new feeding tube. I didn't get a chance to ask the dr about this but I'm guessing it's because the tube they are going to use has not arrived yet. He received 2 units of blood in surgery only because he usually loses 1 unit with the washouts. However, when they got his blood count back after surgery, his blood levels were just the same as they were before he left so that was great news. His vital signs also look really good. The nurse had shaved him so he looked extremely handsome!!! :) Now we just have to get someone to give him a haircut! His swelling has really gone down and his leg wounds look really good. Tonight when I was sitting with him, he opened his eyes several times. He only opened them about halfway but he kept them open for approximately 15-20 seconds. He's not on any sedation medicine right now so I'm hoping this will give him the opportunity to start waking up more. Overall I feel today went really well. So many days I wake up saying "This is going to be a GREAT day!" and then I leave the hospital at night with a heavy heart. His progress is so slow that you don't realize how much he's gotten better until a couple of days later. Now more than ever I'm realizing that this is going to be a really long road. But the thing that I keep saying to myself over and over is "the best things come to those who wait." God knows when Rob's body will be ready for him to wake up. I'm excited because I'm having the girls come down for Thanksgiving. I'm hoping Rob will be in a place in his healing where he will be able to see them.

Veteran's Day

2008-11-11T19:37:00.003-05:00

As it does for many of you, Veteran's Day takes on a different tune for me this year. Living the military life and being around military families constantly, it's easy to forget the danger and sacrifice the military endure. We live our lives day in and day out and chalk it up as "This is my husband's job." What you don't take into account (and maybe this is a coping mechanism) is that when they are on foreign soil, there are people out there who hate America and what we stand for. It's not until something like this affects our family directly do you truly realize how amazing and selfless our military men and women are. Rob would often tell me, "This is just my job. I chose to do this." This is true. He felt very strong about his reasons for being deployed. But, if it weren't for Rob and all those other men and women, I would not be able to so freely write about our experiences on this blog site. So, THANK YOU to all those serving and who have served. It makes me so proud. Now, on to updates about Rob. Early this morning they took him off his sedation medicine. They called it a "sedation vacation" (clever, huh?). He was still pretty knocked out most of the day. I tried so hard to get him to wake up. At one point I told him "Rob, you may be stubborn, but I can be more stubborn than you and I WILL wake you up." So, we'll see who wins this battle!!!! When they were cleaning him up, the nurse told me that he did open his eyes for a few seconds for her. As always, his body is really slow with metabolizing out the meds so it's going to take him a little longer to get the sedation medicine out. It's so frustrating because by tomorrow he'll probably be a little more alert and then he goes off to surgery again. His surgery tomorrow consists of washing out the wounds and replacing his current feeding tube with a different kind that also has a NG suction attached. This way he can get rid of the NG tube that's currently in his nose. YEAH! Also today they took out the other chest tube so he's getting closer to fewer and fewer tubes attached to him. The doctor I spoke with today said that his creatine level is high. A lot of this has to do with all that muscle breakdown going through his kidneys. She did say he is in "acute kidney failure." However, he does not meet the criteria for dialysis because his body is getting rid of fluid appropriately, it's just slow at doing it. So that's good news. His urine output is also at a decent level. After all his body has gone through I think he's doing pretty darn good. The doctor agreed! He also may have some pneumonia. It looked like the secretions they got out of his trach suction were pretty thick so they are doing tests for that. He has been on antibiotics so hopefully if he does have it, it's not too severe and they can get it cleared up quickly. It's pretty hard to avoid this with him being bedridden and getting so much fluid. But, pneumonia is the last thing he needs on top of everything else. They also found what they call the "war bug" in some of his sputum and leg wounds which they are also treating with antibiotics. It's just going to take a lot of time and tweaking to get his body running efficiently and back to it's old self. I'm going to go back to the hospital tonight to see him. Hopefully he'll be a little more responsive. I mean, seriously, he'd never let me sleep in on the weekends, so I'm not going to let him continue to sleep away.......Keep the prayers coming!!!!!!!!

Rob receives his Purple Heart

2008-11-10T14:42:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, Rob's surgery went really well. They were able to finally close his abdomen. They also put the feeding tube in his belly and washed out his wounds. Today before Rob received his Purple Heart, the neuro dr came in and did an exam on Rob. He is again sedated so not responding. Although he was sedated, the dr felt Rob is moving in the right direction. It just remains a waiting game. I asked him about his MRI results. He said that he did see some brain damage in the middle part of his brain which may affect his speech. Again, in time, we will tell. When I asked him about the superficial vs deep bruises, he said he didn't really understand what the other dr meant when he was telling us that. Again, the other dr doesn't read MRI's so he's not familiar with the tests. He said superficial wounds on the brain affect thinking but he didn't really see this. Overall he was pretty optimistic from what I felt. Of course I am concerned about the speech issue, but hopefully, this will not be the case. Rob is young and the brain can heal itself tremendously. Then as Rob received his Purple Heart, it was a completely bittersweet moment. So many emotions ran through me. I was desperately trying to wake him up. I felt like getting sick. Although this award is an honor, it's one I wish my husband NEVER had to receive. I feel so bad that we wasn't awake for it. President Bush was the person who awarded it to him. When he walked into the room, he gave me a huge hug. He had tears in his eyes and told me he was so sorry. He just kept hugging me. He told me that Rob WILL wake up and when he does, he will meet Rob in person again. I got his business card from his personal assistant so that I can call him when Rob is ready to meet him. He awarded him the Purple Heart and then we stepped out of the room and out of our gowns and mask so we could speak more to him. He signed a 1st Infantry baseball cap Rob had. I know it will mean so much to him. He told me a story about a soldier 2 years ago who lost both of his legs. He told the soldier that when he is up and able, to give him a call and he wants to go running with him. Well, about 18 months later, the soldier called President Bush and they went running on the White House lawn. I told him that when Rob's ready and able maybe he can go wakeboarding with us! He laughed and said "I'm too old to wakeboard." Regardless of what people think politically, President Bush was extremely upset about Rob. Rob's recovery is not about politics, it is about my husband fighting to make a full recovery so he can come home to be with his wife and 2 daughters. That being said, I'm extremely proud of my husband and what he stands for. As always, I'll update soon.

"Unofficial" MRI report

2008-11-09T13:00:00.002-05:00

Ok, I know you are all on the edge of your seats awaiting news about the MRI. We will NOT have an official report until tomorrow when the MRI doctor comes in to read it, however, Rob's doctor gave me his "unofficial" results. When he looked at it, he said that he only saw the initial injuries and nothing new (that HE sees) has formed. His initial injuries were a spot on the top and back of his head. To him, it looks like these injuries are superficial and not deep. Again, this is not the official news but extremely uplifting to us!!!!! When I get the official report, I'll pass it on. I also have some more really exciting news. I went to see Rob early this morning and he was opening his eyes!!! Now, he was not looking at me and was not focused on anything, but he had them open and was blinking. He was not squeezing hands but that's ok. I can only imagine how hard it is for him to coordinate all these different things. The girls made a video for him and I played it for him today. He was able to hear Eva say "da da da da da da" and Julia talking and singing to him. I know he heard it and I'm sure it made a big difference to him hearing his little angels. Rob is currently in surgery. The doctors said the surgery may take awhile because they are going to work on closing his abdomen. They are going to place a feeding tube directly into his belly versus his nose. One less tube in his nose--YEAH!!! They are also going to do the usual washouts of wounds. When he comes out of surgery, the doctor said he will be sedated. He'll be on a different type of sedation. The one he's been on is really nice for head injury patients because they can turn it on and turn it off quickly. But it contains a lot of fat and is not good for him to be on too long. So, they are going to put him on a different kind. Although it's frustrating to have him sedated when he's finally responding, I also know it does it body extremely good to get the much needed healing while he's asleep. He is supposed to get one of his chest tubes out today and the other out possibly tomorrow. The doctor told me today that Rob is no longer in the "acute" phase. His body medically is doing great. The only thing that is still a little out of whack are his kidneys. His creatinine levels are a little high. But with all the muscle breakdown, that is to be expected. He's still jaundice but I'm hoping that this will decrease in time as his liver begins to metabolize more effectively. God is doing amazing things for my husband. He is hearing all our prayers. Rob will need the continued prayers to continue on the path of recovery. It is an extremely long road with many ups and downs but as long as we have God on our side, we will get through it together.

Quick Update

2008-11-08T20:54:00.003-05:00

I just got back from seeing Rob tonight. They are are taking him to do his MRI now. Please say a LOT of prayers that the MRI will turn out good. This is a big indicator of his neuro status. We should know the results in the morning. THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Surgery Update

2008-11-08T18:41:00.002-05:00

Rob's surgery went really well yesterday. The doctors said that they didn't have to do the mini dialysis because his sodium level had dropped down to where they wanted it on it's own. The surgery was about 8 1/2 hours but most of that was due to them finally being able to pin his hip. I'm glad they were able to do that. We'll see how it does but in time he may need a hip replacement. He will be having another surgery tomorrow for some more washings and they are hoping to close his abdomen. Today he was on sedation medicine all day. They did this because of the long surgery yesterday. It was frustrating not seeing him grab hands or do any reactions since he had been doing so well yesterday, but I also knew it was good because he needed to get some good rest. However, something I didn't know when I wrote last yesterday was the doctor told me when he suctioned his trach yesterday, Rob opened his eyes!!! That's so great. So, although today it feels like it was one baby step forward and 3 big ones back, he's still progressing positively. I just got back from dinner with some friends of ours from Ft. Riley, the Spencers. He was one of Rob's old company commanders. It was good seeing them again and talking about the good times with Rob. Hopefully the next time I go out to eat with them, Rob will be with us. I also wanted to mention another website. Yesterday my mom was searching sites under Rob's name and came across a site for a soldier named Hunter. He was injured in Baghdad in May. He experienced a lot of facial trauma and may be blind. He will be turning 21 in a few days. He is alert but very depressed. Please visit his site and give him encouraging words. It absolutely breaks my heart. He needs to feel God's presence. His website his www.heartsforhunter.com I am going to see Rob again this evening. I will update again tomorrow. Please keep the prayers coming.

Still in surgery

2008-11-07T20:11:00.002-05:00

We just got back to the hospital and Rob is still in surgery. When we left around 12:30 this afternoon, they were just getting ready to take him. Whether or not he went back shortly after that, I'm not sure, but I'm kind of surprised he's still there. They said he will be done shortly. Today they were going to again do washouts. They were also planning on pinning his hip. I'll update tomorrow the results of the surgery. Last night I was in with Rob. I was holding his hand and after a while, I told him I was getting tired and was going to leave and go back to the Fisher House to sleep. As I was moving my hand, he grabbed it really hard and his blood pressure went up! I told him, "Ok, I'll stay!!" Then I guess during the night, he had a spike in his fever and blood pressure. They wondered if it had to do with pain. They gave him some pain medicine and his blood pressure went down. So, they are thinking he was in pain. Which is a good sign that he's feeling pain! Then today, I went into his room and hooked up a radio and put Rush Limbaugh on for him. It's his favorite and I know he appreciates getting caught up on the news! :) Anyways, a couple of times he held on to my hand REALLY hard. In fact, he grabbed my hand so hard that I was able to lift up my hand with him still holding on to it. I asked him to try to let go of it and he did!!! I am extremely confident that this was consciously done on his part. The nurse even saw it and said "He never does that for me!" Then she put a pen light in his eyes and he was really blinking against it--the nurse said that's a really good sign. So, today was another good day. It's so hard not to get too excited and hopeful, but I truly feel he's making good progress. Let's keep hoping and praying for this continued progress.

Baby steps

2008-11-06T18:09:00.002-05:00

This morning, right before I woke up, I had a dream. I dreamt that I was sitting next to Rob in his ICU room and all of a sudden, he opened his eyes and turned them toward me. Then he lifted up his head. The dream fastforwarded and other people were in the room and he lifted up his left arm and scratched the back of his head. I was so happy that I had had that dream because I feel that was God talking to me. When I got to the hospital, I told the rest of Rob's family my dream. His brother, Chris, said that his wife had the same dream. She isn't here and hasn't seen Rob and she was able to describe how he looked almost to a T. She also dreamt that he had woken up! A while later, I went in to see Rob. I was holding his hand and all of a sudden, he gripped it really hard! My heart about jumped out of my chest. I told the nurse this. She said the key is to see if he does this and then you ask him to let go, he does. She said that way you know he's following commands. Of course I was trying to get him to squeeze my hand again, but he wouldn't. A while later, I was holding his hand and I went to readjust my hand and he grabbed it tighter again! I told him "Rob try to let go of my hand." Ever so slowly, he did. Now, I don't know if that was intentional or not, but I'll believe it was. Of course, Rob wouldn't do it for the nurse when she asked him too!!! He knows who is wife is. Again, this is baby steps, but it's a huge jump in hope for us. Around 11, the nurse said that she would like to give Rob some alone time. His blood pressure had increased and they wanted to make sure it was due to the company and not pain. When we got back, they had taken off his c-collar and removed the bolt from his head. His intracranial pressures had remained stable and he no longer needed the monitor in his brain. It is SOOO good to finally be able to see his whole face. However, it does make it more difficult at times because it just looks like he's sleeping and it's frustrating not being able to wake him up. The nurses said his blood pressure was still a little high but he had been resting quietly for awhile so they aren't sure if it's because he's in pain or not. They don't want to give him too much pain medicine at this point because they don't want to oversedate him. He is on morphine still though. The doctor was pretty happy with how today went. He said the chest tube on his left side may get to come out tomorrow since it's not draining much. His sodium level is still a little high but they are giving him some fluids to decrease this. He has surgery tomorrow for some more washouts and during it, the anesthesiologist is able to do more while Rob's under and so he may get something that's like a mini dialysis to hopefully balance out his levels. He also said that he saw Rob react more than he has before. When they were clearing out his trach, he would cough. Again, baby steps, but HUGE. There's still a LOT of praying to do. This is how I look at it. By all accounts, Rob should not be alive. The doctors are amazed that he made it this far. So, God would not get him through all of this, just to let him lay in a coma the rest of his life. He knows Rob is an amazing person and He has a bigger plan for him. When all you can do is wait and pray, FAITH comes in to play. Also, I got an email from somebody and they recommended I give Rob's blood type so people can help in that way by donating. Although you may not be able to directly donate to Rob (this is extremely hard to do) you can donate blood in honor of Rob. He is 0+ and I know that blood type is much needed. As I've said before, he's required 100+units of blood so far. Without people who have given their time and blood, Rob would not be here. Monday Rob is going to receive his purple heart. It would be so great if he would be awake for this. Again, many many thanks for all the prayers and comments. I know God is hearing each and every one and he is working on healing Rob's body so he can come home to his wife and 2 beautiful children.

Another update

2008-11-05T19:36:00.002-05:00

A few more updates today...Overall, Rob's doing OK but definetly not out of the woods. He's become jaundice but the doctors feel it's from all the blood products he's received. To date, he's received over 100 units of blood. His urine output has also increased which is good but it is really dark. The doctor is very confident it is from muscle breakdown which is not uncommon in a situation like this. His lungs are not producing much output anymore so the chest tubes may be able to be taken out within the next few days. His temps have remained stable with the use of a cooling blanket. The blanket causes the shivering action so it's hard to tell if Rob is shivering or moving sometimes. The doctor did tell me tonight that if he does happen to wake up, he will mildly sedate him for 2 reasons: 1) he doesn't want him to pull out tubes and 2) to take the "edge" off. He said this will only be intermittant and not cause him to go into a deep sleep again. At this time the doctor doesn't believe he is septic although he said he would be shocked if he didn't have some sort of an infection in his legs from all the debris in the field. It takes a few days for blood cultures to come back on that. They may or may not do the MRI tonight. The doctor said he would like to have Rob take it easy for awhile since it was pretty hard on his body from flying for so long. So, rIght now we're just waiting. That's the hardest part. I wish I could have a snapshot of a year from now so I can see where we'll be. But, as so many of you have written and reminded me, "God is in control and anything can be done through Him." Ryan and Nancy Kules stopped by and I was able to talk to them about things which really helped. It's so nice to have someone so close to you that's gone through the same thing. They were even so kind as to bring me some much belated cheesecake (thanks, Nancy!!!). Then today Ryan took me out to lunch and again we spoke. He said it perfectly "it's almost a blessing and a curse to know someone who's gone through this." It's so easy to compare Ryan's recovery to Rob's but every person is different and every person recovers differently. Only time will tell, but I have faith that everything will turn out ok. I know many of you would like an address as to where I'm staying. I don't have one right now but as soon as I get the chance, I will get a PO box and put it on the blog site. I'll update again soon.

We've arrived at Bethesda

2008-11-05T09:29:00.002-05:00

Yesterday we flew from Germany to the states. Rob did fairly well on the flight. His temps continue to be high. The highest it got during the flight was 103.4. They were able to cool him off with IV bags put in ice and then put between his arms and legs. They also hung an American flag on the wall beside him. That meant a lot. Once we got to Andrews Air Force Base, there was a bus ambulance that transported us to Bethesda. I swear I aged during that trip. Rush hour traffic and a bus flying down the road with sirens and lights...... Once we arrived, we were met by Rob's 2 sisters, brother, and brother in law. We got settled into our room at the Fisher House and then met with the team of doctors in ICU. She asked me what I already knew about Rob's injuries. I listed them from head to toe. She looked surprised and asked if I was a nurse. Anyways, she said that the thing that concerned her was why Rob has not woken up or responded. However, I told her about the time he was moving his eyelids and shoulders and also how his pulse and heartrate go up when we're in the room. She said she had not been told that information and was happy to hear it. Plus, my thinking is this. He's been so drugged up and his body has gone through SO MUCH, just give the poor man some time. He was also getting ready to go back to surgery. I guess his temps had reached 104 at one point which was concerning to them. We were able to see him before they took him to surgery. As soon as his sister Natalie talked to him, his blood pressure skyrocketed. He started really moving his eyes. We were all really happy to see that. This morning I went back and saw him. I've decided that I also have good days and bad days. There's only so many days I can be strong. Today was not one of them. It absolutely broke my heart to see him laying there. I'm still expecting this to be a really bad dream. I couldn't stay in the room long and left to come back here to the Fisher House. I'll go back over soon, I just need some time to cry alone. He is my soulmate and my heart continues to get ripped out everytime I walk into the room. His brother, Chris, and mom are with him now. They are going to be doing an ECG and MRI to check the status of his brain. I'm glad they're doing this b/c we'll get a better idea about what's going on in there, but I'm also scared to death. They were also worried yesterday that he had sepsis since his temps were so high. They have him on a cooling blanket right now and took some blood cultures. As far as I know, his cultures were ok in Germany. Let's pray they're ok here too. Rob is definetly not out of the woods. Please pray and pray and pray, I feel so helpless right now that the only I feel I can do IS PRAY. I also want to tell you all how humbled I am about how many people have checked this blog, wrote comments, donated money, offered prayers and support. I cannot possibly thank you all personally but please know it means more to us than we can ever tell you. THANK YOU.

Update from Nancy

2008-11-04T12:31:00.004-05:00

I don't think Dena will mind- I wanted to give you guys an update based on the information I'm getting from a variety of sources.

Looks like Rob was stable enough for the flight today. All three ladies (Dena, Rob's Mom, and Dena's Mom) were able to join him on the plane for transport back to the states. This is great news and makes coordinating so much easier on this end!

They are due to arrive at Andrews Air Force Base today around 4:30pm EST, and will travel from there to Bethesda Naval Medical Center.

I'm sure Dena will be on later to give more specifics, I just wanted to share what I've learned at this point since I know so many people are anxiously awaiting news!

Keep the prayers and comments coming- you guys are the best! The support for the Yllescas family has been amazing and I know they are feeling it!

Nancy

P.S. Just a thought- Since this entry was from me vs. Dena, I was thinking if you'd like to comment, maybe your message can be specifically to Rob this time. That way, Dena can print them out and read them to him when she gets a chance... :)

On our way to the states tomorrow????

2008-11-03T16:01:00.003-05:00

I just got back from visiting Rob. He made it out of surgery great. They did have to take a little more off of each leg but they knew they were going to have to do that sometime in the future anyway. The doctors said it really wasn't much. Some of his thigh muscle in his left leg was also necrotic so they had to take some of that out, too, but they said he still had PLENTY of muscle. That's the good thing about Rob--he's extremely muscular! They also did have to take off the tip of his middle finger on the right hand due to loss of blood supply. They weren't able to pin Rob's hip b/c they didn't want him to lose too much blood with his possible flight back to the states tomorrow. His abdomen still looks really good. No problems with his bowels. His lactic acid levels decreased to 3.5 which is also really good news. We're still fighting the fevers but hopefully those will decrease in time. Rob also had a special visitor today. One of his old ROTC instructors, now LTC Danner, lives in the area and he and his wife came by and saw Rob. Even though Rob was not awake, I really think he felt him there and it will mean a lot to him later on to know that he was there. Also, one of the soldiers Rob was on a MITT team with during OIF 3, Sgt Shakespear, is also in the area and saw Rob yesterday. He recalled stories about Rob that made us laugh. My favorite is he referred to Rob as "Captain America" because he was always so gung ho! I have to say that name fits him well. To have people who Rob has been with during his military career come by and visit will mean the world to him. This evening as I was sitting with him, I busied myself with cleaning his fingers and fingernails and washing out his mouth. Being the clean freak he is, I'm sure he appreciated it. I just had to make myself feel useful! We are on schedule to fly tomorrow pending any problems. Again, Barb, my mom, and myself will all be on the flight with him. I'm anxious for him to get back to the states so we can really get this recovery rolling!!!!! Again, thank you so much for all the comments!

3rd day with Rob

2008-11-03T08:13:00.002-05:00

As of last night, Rob's lactic acid level had decreased some but today, they went up a little more. In surgery yesterday, they didn't really see anything of concern. They did scrape off a little dead tissue from his lower extremities but his abdomen looked good. Sometimes they're worried that his bowels could become necrotic, but thankfully, his look good. Yesterday we were also struggling to keep his temperatures down. He's been running temps between 99-102. When I saw him today, his temps were remaining stable between 99-100. He is currently in another surgery right now. Almost daily they take him back and wash out his wounds to make sure there is no debris left in them. They were also going to revise the amputation in this right ring finger and try to shape the bone better. They also said the middle finger on the same hand is looking a little gray so they may have to take the tip of that off, too. Today they are also going to try to pin that hip that is fractured. It depends on how his pressures do. The thing that is so discouraging is that they have to keep him sedated. They don't want him too agitated because that can affect his healing process. So yesterday evening, he slept and didn't make anymore movements. Today was also the same. Even though people have told me this is going to be a very long, SLOW process, it's still hard to wrap yourself around that. I just want him to wake up, jump out of bed, throw his legs on, and go about his way. But, I know it's not that simple. My heart absolutely aches for him. I feel completely helpless. He is torn up all the way from his head down to his legs. I wish I could take the pain and hurt away. Even if he would just wake up and I could talk to him would make me feel better. It was one week ago yesterday when I last spoke to him. If only I knew..... It's amazing how much you cherish such a simple phone call. Today it's 4 months since he deployed. Never ever did I think I'd be here. I know Rob and I will get through this, it's just that we're going to have to travel down a very difficult, emotional road to get there. Whenever I see Rob, I always tell him that his soldiers are fine. No one else was hurt. Because even though he's going through this, if he had to choose between himself or one of his soldiers in this position, he would be exactly where he's at. Rob is an amazing person. The people that care about Rob are to infinity. You don't realize until a tragedy like this happens, how many people Rob has left impressions on. More than ever, I'm truly honored to be his wife. Please, please keep praying. I'll update again after surgery and if they're still planning on flying him tomorrow.

Second day with Rob

2008-11-02T06:42:00.002-05:00

I just came from being with Rob. I have a few updates. First of all, Rob looks so much better than he did yesterday. His face was not nearly as swollen. He also had a smaller c-collar on so I could actually see his face better. It was so good to get a better look at that handsome face. He has stitches on his left eyebrow and stitches on his chin right below his lower lip. Besides that, his face looks great. Also, he was scheduled to fly to the states today. We had our bags on the bird (me, Barb, and my mom are able to fly with Rob) and the flight team in the room. However, we knew there was a chance that he may not go today. Yesterday his lactic acid level was high. They wanted to monitor him during the night and redraw the lab today. When they got the results, the levels had risen some more. They would like the levels to be less than 2 and his today was 6.5. They are not for sure what is causing this so they are taking him back to surgery today. Basically, something inside of him is not getting perfused adequately. If this goes on untreated, it could become life threatening. So, they are going to go in and look in his abdomen and leg wounds again to see if there is a possible infection or perfusion problem and take care of it as needed. The next flight to the states will be on Tuesday. So, depending on how he does between now and then will determine if we fly Tuesday. The other update is really quite exciting. They told us this morning that he had been quiet during the night and did not move. However, when I walked into the room and started talking to him, you could see his eyes moving behind his lids and he started moving his shoulders!!!! I couldn't believe it! I talked to him about the girls and he would move them even more. He even had tears coming from his eyes when Barb and I spoke to him. I asked him to squeeze my fingers and he would ever so slightly. The neuro dr came in and examined him and said that with everything he's been through, things are just going to take time. I told him to try to open his eyes. You could see him moving his shoulders up and down like he was trying to get them to open. You can only imagine how heavy is eyes are. They did have to sedate him a little when they thought we were flying, so he did go back to sleep for awhile. But right before we left him so he could go to surgery, I started rubbing his cheeks and forehead with my fingers and he again fluttered his eyes and moved his shoulders! This is such exciting news. I know it's baby steps but anything positive like this is HIGHLY encouraging! So, please keep praying that they will find what's causing his levels to be high and be able to fix the problem and that his neuro status continues to improve. God is good and He will provide. I will update again after surgery.

Seeing Rob for the first time.

2008-11-01T16:21:00.003-04:00

Well, today was an emotionally draining day. I spent about 4 hours with Rob. I had mentally prepared myself for how Rob would look with his injuries but was not prepared with how swollen he would be. Had it not been for his hair, I would not have recognized him. During surgery they said his intracranial pressures had gotten a little high and that's why his face was so swollen but that he looks 100% better than before the surgery. He had a c-collar on. They don't think he has a spinal injury but cannot completely clear him since his shoulders are so large and he's hard to position correctly. The collar is just for preventative measures until they are 100% positive. He also had his tracheotomy placed and was hooked up to the ventilator. During surgery his jaw was "wired" using rubberbands. These will stay in place for a minimum of 6 weeks. I looked under his sheets and his poor abdomen was so bruised it was almost black and he looked like he was 9 months pregnant. His thighs and arms were also swollen. During the surgery they also decided to wait with the femur fracture since too much time had passed and said that sometime in the future he would probably need a hip replacement since a strong hip is so important for the prosthetics. Although he was unconscious, I held his hand and Barb, my mom and I told him stories about the girls and how much love, support and prayers he was receiving from family, friends and perfect strangers. After a while, mom and Barb left to go buy Rob some clothes. He was given money for this but it was only good while we were in Germany so I had them do it so he'd have nice clothes to wear while he was rehabilitating. When they were gone, I read him the letters Julia had written to him. I have to also admit that at times I broke down and cried to him. I mean, this was his LAST deployment and he had gone through 2 previous ones without any injuries. It's just so unfair. I apologized for not being strong but told him I knew he understood since he knows I tend to cry easily! It's just so hard seeing this strong man whom you rely on as the rock to be in such devastating conditions. I sat there kissing his hand and telling him how much I love him and how much he means to so many people. I did find out during the nurses report that they had taken him off most of his sedation medications. This bothered me a bit since he hadn't moved for me but I also know it can take your body a very long time to recover from such injuries and this is his body's way of healing. I'm sure it was in my head, but at some points when I was holding his hand, it felt like he was holding it tighter. I truly feel like he sensed our presence. I also spoke with the anesthesiologist and he told me that he has personally seen Rob flutter his eyes. At this point, I want to hold on to ANY tiny piece that can lead to an improvement in his cognitive status. As far as when he's flying to the states, he is scheduled to go tomorrow but he is having some issues with his blood pressure being a little low and signs of a possible small infection starting. They are changing some antiobiotics and will monitor him during the night and will decide in the morning if he is leaving tomorrow or Tuesday. Either way, I only want to do what is BEST for Rob. Although today has been a tough day, I truly believe God is an awesome God and has the power to do anything. With all the prayers coming our way, I know Rob is rwapped in His arms. I will try to update again soon depending on when we fly. Keep checking the blog and posting comments. They mean so much!!!

We have arrived in Germany

2008-11-01T07:09:00.003-04:00

We arrived in Germany and made our way to Landstuhl. We are staying at the Fisher House located right across from the hospital. We met with the 1st ID liason, Sgt Schroeder who took us to where Rob is in the ICU. We were put in the waiting room and Dr Gram came in and spoke with us. Rob is currently in surgery. At that time, he had been in surgery about 1 1/2 hours and will probably be there for a couple more hours. Here are the updates we were given about him: during the blast, he suffered a jaw fracture. In order to repair this, they have to wire his jaw. Since he had been on a breathing tube, they removed that and placed a trachea so that his jaw could be wired. They were also going to again, wash his wounds and assess his fractured femur. At this point in time, they don't know what they are going to do about the fracture and will be deciding a mode of action sometime in the near future. As far as his neuro status, a couple of hopeful things is that anesthesia said that when he has been in surgery, and they were stitching him up, his blood pressure and heart rate would rise, which is a good indication. Obviously we don't want Rob to be in pain, but any reaction to pain is a good sign. Also, when his eyelids are lifted up by the doctors, he does flinch them. Besides that, there really aren't a lot of updates. I'm just anxious to see him. As soon as he gets out of surgery, the doctor is going to call the liason and he will come get us. I want Rob to know we are here for him. Although he is still unconsious, I truly believe he'll feel our presence. Rob is a strong guy and he will get through this. We all will. We just need to continue to be on our knees in prayer. I know I mentioned this before, but our main focus is getting ROB back. We can deal with anything else. So, PRAY PRAY PRAY. I am so stunned at how many people have already checked this site. I want to thank you for that and for the comments that have been written. It truly means so much to hear from all of you. God has truly blessed us to be surrounded and uplifted by so many wonderful people. Please continue to write comments because even though it may seem small to you, it means the world to us. I will write again after I've seen Rob.

On our way to Germany

2008-10-31T09:45:00.002-04:00

I got called this morning that my mom, mother in law and I will be flying to Germany today. Our flight leaves at 12:45pm and we will arrive in Germany on Saturday at 7:40am. I will try to keep you updated while I'm there with Rob's condition. He will be flying back to the states either Sunday or Tuesday.

The first 2 days...

2008-10-31T00:42:00.001-04:00

Since I just started this blog, the following entry will be pretty long, so just bear with me. I want to get you caught up with the events that have happened in the past few days. I will update this site as frequently as I can.

Notification: On October 28th, 2008 @ exactly noon, I was sitting on the couch feeding baby Eva when I got a phone call that would change our life forever. It was the Rear Detachment Notification Captain. He informed me that Rob had been injured in Afghanistan. I remember my blood going cold. I truly thought he was joking. In fact, I asked him “Are you serious?” “Yes, I’m serious.” He had me write down a bunch of numbers, but my hand was shaking so bad and my mind was so numb I don’t even remember writing them down. I just wanted to know how bad he was injured. He then told me Rob had been hit by an IED. WHAT?!? That was the last thing I thought would happen. They don’t even have IED’s where he’s at—or at least I thought they didn’t. He then gave me his list of injuries. I just wanted him to quit talking. This couldn’t be happening. I’m not sure if I was in denial or shock but I just wanted him to STOP. I got off the phone and immediately called my friend Ali. She was on her way over already but I told her to get here as quick as she could. I then called my mom. I have never prayed so hard in my life. At this point, I didn’t know much about how Rob was doing. Just that he was in critical condition and at Bagram AirForce Base in Afghanistan. To be honest, I didn’t want to know the extent of Rob’s injuries. I couldn’t deal with knowing. I just needed to process what had happened and focus on getting through the day. Before long, several of my girlfriends were over at the house answering the phones, making arrangements, etc, etc. It absolutely blew my mind how quickly news of Rob spread. Hundreds of people began praying for him. The power of prayer is an amazing thing. I had a friend of ours pick up Julia from school and she took her to play with her kids. I wanted things to calm down around the house before Julia came home. When she did get home, I pulled her into the bedroom and told her that daddy had been hurt but that the doctors were taking very good care of him and that we needed to say lots of prayers for him. I had also decided with my mom that the girls would be going to Nebraska to stay with my sister in law, Angie for awhile. Julia took the news pretty well and was excited to be able to see her cousins. Rob’s commander, LTC Markert, called me a couple of times during the day to give me updates and answer any questions. At about 11:30 pm, he called again. During this conversation, I asked him if one of the doctor’s could call me. He said he would have him call me as soon as he could.

October 29th @ 12:30 am: I received a call from the surgeon. He asked me how much detail I wanted. It was at this point I decided that I needed to know EVERYTHING. My imagination was getting the best of me and I needed to know the facts. He said that Rob arrived at Bagram 4 hours after the attack. Now that may seem like a long time, but where Rob was at, he was way out in the middle of nowhere. The medics who were onsite did an absolutely AMAZING job. They are the reason by husband is alive now and I cannot wait to meet them and tell them how grateful I am for what they did to save his life. They are heros to me. By the time I talked with the surgeon, Rob had already had his 3rd surgery. At this time, Rob had a small amount of bleeding in his brain and his intracranial pressure was slightly elevated but had gone down some. When he was found, his abdomen was filled with fluid and had to be opened up to relieve pressure. In surgery, they looked over his abdomen and did not find any internal injuries at that time. He had some bruising on his lungs and a chest tube had been put in, but his oxygen levels were also looking better. He also told me that when Rob arrived he had tourniquets on both lower extremities. Unfortunately his legs were too mangled to save. He had to have his right leg amputated about a hand’s length below the knee and the left leg right at the knee. When I found this out, I wasn’t too shocked. I knew that an IED doesn’t just leave scratches. He also has a fracture in his left femur head at the hip. He said that his blood pressures had stabilized and his heart rate had come down. He said when he first got to them it was very touch and go for awhile but he was doing much better now. He said that all the soldiers held a huge blood drive for Rob. Later that morning, I was notified that Rob was now listed as in stable condition. That was such terrific news! He was going to be flown to Launstuhl, Germany later that day. LTC Markert told me the soldiers that had seen him the day before and saw him today said he looked 100% better. I was not planning on telling Julia yet the extent of Rob’s injuries, but she is just way too smart. When she found out we were going to be staying at Walter Reed for awhile, she said “That means daddy has an injury.” Julia has had the opportunity to know our friend Ryan who had been through a similar experience and she understands what happens at Walter Reed. So, when I told her that, yes, daddy has had an injury, she asked me “Did daddy’s legs get chopped off?” “Yes, baby. Daddy lost his legs but he is still daddy and he loves you very very much.” She teared up a little bit and then asked if daddy would be able to still wrestle with her. I told her that, yes, he will be able to do all of these things with her but it will take a while. She then said “But, mommy, Eva won’t know daddy.” I said “You mean she won’t know him with his legs?” “Yes, mommy.” “Baby, Eva won’t know any different and daddy will love you both just like he did before.” I told her “You know how Ryan has a metal leg? Well, daddy will have 2 metal legs.” Julia scrunched up her face and said “well, I’ll be painting those legs peach.” My oh my. Out of the mouths of babes! When Julia went to school, I called her teacher and made sure she saw the counselor. They said she did great in school. I also withdrew her since she wouldn’t be here for such a long time. Later that day, Rob’s mom, Barb flew in and also my mom, Bev and sister in law Angie arrived.

October 30th: I got an update this morning that Rob arrived in Germany. He did great on the flight and needed minimal assistance during the flight. He is still in a medically induced coma to help his body recover and keep his intracranial pressure down in his head. The doctor taking care of Rob called me and said he would be going in to surgery again to clean his wounds, check his abdomen and femur fracture. I had heard earlier about something with his hand that I hadn’t heard before. She said that from the blast, Rob lost his finger right above the middle knuckle but that the rest of the hand looked fine. She said she would call me after his surgery to give me an update. I also asked if I could have someone put the phone up to Rob’s ear so I could talk to him. She said after the surgery she would make that a top priority. A few hours later she called me and said that Rob did great during the surgery. His intracranial pressures remained stable throughout the procedure. He is still on a ventilator but said he is having no problems taking in the oxygen and his O2 sats are remaining good. She did say that they did try to take him off his sedation meds and rub his sternum to get him to react to the painful stimuli but he didn’t. However, she is not overly concerned at this time b/c his brain waves are looking good and until he completely wakes up we won’t be able to assess his neuro status. I was told that at one point yesterday, he did get agitated and moved his arms and legs. This is where prayers really need to come. Rob and I had talked before he deployed that he could handle if he lost limbs but he could not handle being a vegetable. As long as Rob is ROB, we can handle and overcome any other obstacles. So, please continue to pray. This is going to be an extremely long road for Rob, but we know how determined he is and he will perservere. God does not give us more than we can handle and I truly believe this. I’m just so grateful that my husband is here. Things could have been SOOO much worse. I was able to call and talk to Rob. Although he is unconscious, I still feel in my heart that he can hear us. I told him that we love him very much and that Julia can’t wait for him to get better so she can wrestle with him and that in no time we will be out on the boat. Barb also spoke with him and said that everyone is praying for him and thinking about him and want him to get better. The outpour of support has been amazing. Rob is going to have red carpet treatment with all the connections our friends have. Thank you so much to everyone for all their help. A couple of people I want to thank personally are Ali, Nancy, and Kim for going above and beyond with making arrangements for us and contacting doctors and getting updates. There are too many others to mention, but please know you have not gone unnoticed. I’m truly amazed at how many people love and care about us. Today was an extremely difficult day b/c I had to watch as my 7 year old and 9 month old board a plane and head to Nebraska. I have never been away from Eva and Julia and I are extremely close. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, but I did it so that they could be taken care while I took care of Rob. They will have so much love there. It’s so hard juggling this tragedy with having small children. But, right now it’s about getting Rob better so that he can wrestle and play with his little girls that are his absolute life. They will come down in a week or so. I know Rob will need to feel them there. I will play it by ear about when they will stay with us in DC. I will update again when I can. We are waiting on information about when/if we will be heading to Germany. Hopefully we can go tomorrow.

Keeping Everyone updated...

2008-10-30T20:20:00.001-04:00

Hello everyone- This first note is not from Dena, I (Nancy Kules) am just leaving a little note to let you know that Dena will be using this site to keep everyone up to date with the latest info on Rob. As you can imagine, things are really busy for her right now, but you'll have more news soon. In the meantime, pray, pray, pray and PLEASE use this site to leave notes for Dena, Rob and family! Your comments are cherished!!!